This is my first blog post of 2016 exciting isn't it!
Last year a lot happened to me, especially in the last six months of 2015. In a short space of time I'd realised I had anxiety and very quickly tried everything I could to try and shift it! I thought that I could blame it on a friendship that had been upsetting me since last christmas as it was the only slightly traumatic thing to happen when I started getting anxiety moments. I tried different breathing exercises, started playing more games on my phone to distract me from getting anxious, to completely having to walk out of rooms or outside to get fresh air and let it blow away the anxious-ness.
Of course there's no quick remedy as I've come out of denial. I'm gutted that this could be a more permanent aspect of my life, as I get held back from what I used to be able to do. In the short while I've had this I've created coping mechanisms, as before mentioned in my "Why blog?" post blogging and reading have been making my life much easier! Especially by coming out officially to Twitter and Blogger about my anxiety, I found people who are just like me, and it makes me feel so much better that there are others out there!
My most recent read is Zoella's "Girl Online" I tried to start reading it before Christmas when I was at Uni but Uni takes over my life in more aspects than I'd like it to. It's so refreshing to read about a characters anxiety, and you'd think that reading about anxiety might remind me that I have it and I'd get an anxious moment. But no, it's such an easy and relaxing read and I can relate a lot to Penny (not the embarrassing or humiliating aspects) the way that she feels and how she tries to cope with panic attacks.
I'm fortunate that I was a strong person before my anxiety, I've dealt with a lot more things than I would've liked in my short lifetime. So I have more strength to keep away panic attacks. I think I've only had about two proper panic attacks in my life, the most recent when I got trapped in the Isle of Wight festival crowd. My lovely friend dragged me through the crowd almost beating people up to get us out, as she too was having a panic attack. I would never dramatically say that my anxiety is like having panic attacks all the time, because having a panic attack is awful, it's vile! There are some people who genuinely get bad panic attacks, so it frustrates me when people claim they have it all the time! A panic attack for me, is where I am no longer able to see in front of me anymore, I can't think and I'm not in control of my own body, I can't breathe so I start uncontrollably hyperventilating so much that I might be close to being sick. Never would I claim to have this all the time. It's horrible and I do everything in my power not to let the anxiety take over.
I think a lot of the time we take ourselves for granted, we don't pat ourselves on the shoulder enough when we've been crawling through life's struggles. I'm genuinely really proud of myself, mostly for the latter part of the year. How quickly I actually opened up to my peers and family about what was wrong with me, and seeking counselling too. It's so much better to find and ask for help, you might think that no one will understand or no one can help you, but that's just the demons talking. There's so much out there now to help, you just have to look for it, and talk to someone, anyone!
I grew out of New Year's resolutions a long time ago, instead I write down each year the things I want to do. Last year I made a list of improvements to my life:
It wasn't be all and end all if I didn't do these things, I didn't do a lot of beehives, or got my ear pierced (but it's imminent as my boyfriend is paying for it!) I just think it's healthier to have some goals set for the year ahead. And here are mine:
- Go to cognitive behavioural therapy to try and find the root of my anxiety
- Pass my second year of university with at least a 2:1
- Go on holiday with my boyfriend over the summer
- Go on holiday with my friends again
- Make my own short film in my spare time
- Start vlogging to boost my confidence
- Actually have a savings that I don't dip into all the time
- Pass my theory and driving test
- Get an awesome car with an equally awesome name
- Make more time for friends and family
I will keep you guys updated over the year on which goals I've reached, as now I have a small group of readers to help influence these goals! I do also need to exercise more but I'm not being so strict on it as I don't want to force myself to do it, I want to enjoy exercising and find my love of running again in my own time.
Now for you guys, it's your turn. Plan some events this year and get one of those countdown apps to show what you have to look forward to, I've been doing this for the past three years (I have a monthly countdown to pay day because I'm sad) and it really helps me cope with the year to know I have such exciting things ahead of me! But also I want to know your goals for this year, what are you going to set out to fulfil, or if you do New Years resolutions comment on what those may be!
I will reply to all of you, also comment if you deal with anxiety or anything that takes control on your life!
I'm here for you,
Saffron x
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