..."But you better not kill the groove"
Hey guys!
The reason for this homage to an old classic by Sophie Ellis Bextor is because recently I went out with my friends, as we do nearly every month. I always look forward to going out with them as we have fun and have a good laugh too, and take lots of pictures and videos to capture our fun. I don't have to worry about getting anxious or panicky around them, because through past events I've subconsciously built trust with my friend group and the anxiety gets shut away so I can just enjoy myself.
But, this time something went wrong.
I did my usual get ready schedule, I start getting ready earlier, I don't rush myself, if I start to feel my heart pounding or light headed, I sit down and take some deep breaths. I did everything right, I even put a little more effort into what I wore, my hair and my make-up, I felt really good about myself. When I asked my lovely housemates if I looked OK they said nothing but compliments, so I left the house ecstatic to show off my look and flaunt my best moves at our favourite club.
We met at our usual pre-drinking pub for cheap drinks and to catch up on gossip, work and all things girly. Got into the club and started requesting Taylor Swift (which is always a must!) got drinks and settled into flailing around like mad people.
I started to realise my heart wasn't 100% into dancing and drinking this night, which made me feel disheartened as usually I'm the member of our group who goes full pelt into drinking and dancing, and not caring what I look like, or if people are watching. All of my problems starting seeping through into the forefront of my mind, not paying attention to the pop songs, or my friends serenading each other. All of my university work, and stress with deadlines, all of the thoughts going through my head that make me severely unhappy.
I kept trying to keep my head up, smile and dance away. But, something pushed me over the edge.
I saw an old work colleague, she accidentally bumped into me and apologised, and I recognised her and started to talk to her. She didn't recognise me and thought I was someone else, she did apologise and say that she was "smashed" so I left her to it. I couldn't help but feel down about someone I worked with a lot, didn't know who I was. However, I carried on the night trying to forget my troubles.
Then, later I saw her dancing with a guy, this wouldn't have been an issue normally, but to my knowledge she was in a relationship. And I have a huge problem with people cheating on their partners, and with guys creeping on girls, in this case a very drunk girl. Something pushed me over the edge here, I started to get hot, started breathing sharply, my eyes were welling up, and I knew I had to get out. I pushed past other clubbers, half ran down the stairs into the garden to the first bench I saw un-attended by anyone and burst into tears and hyperventilating.
This has never happened to me before in a club. It's never happened when I've been with my close friends. What on earth had just happened to me? Why had I been reduced to tears and lack of breath over things that don't seem rational?
I don't know how long I was sat there for, but I ended up drawing attention from some strangers who asked me if I was ok. It turns out I actually sort of knew them which was comforting! They did actually cheer me up and wanted to know what was wrong, and I'm so grateful that they were there.
When I was sitting there by myself as a big crying mess, I knew I wasn't getting any better. The fact that this happened somewhere I'm usually comfortable, and with people I'm comfortable with, means I'm not OK.
I haven't been OK for a while now, and after Christmas I was under the facade that I was feeling better, going to therapy and giving others advice. When I think it was just another phase of denial. With the amount of stress I've been under recently, and the state of my emotions and my brain, I've been off the charts with panic attacks. As I've said previously I don't like saying anxiety, or panic attacks, there are various scales of both. I wouldn't say I had full on attacks, but that I was close, I had two in two weeks. Whereas usually I would only have one in two years.
I had started group therapy sessions for a "panic group" but I've opted for one on one therapy, as I think there's a problem rooted in me, that I want to try harder to sort out. I've only come so far trying techniques myself, with breathing exercises, distractions, fresh air and taking shop bought drugs to prevent getting ill.
As I have no set trigger for my anxiety, I can't try to treat one area of it. Many scenarios can set me off, a crowded place, needing the toilet and not knowing where the closest one is, travelling a long distance, going somewhere new, being late for something, phone calls, talking to people I don't know, stress, confrontation, interviews, presentations, or sometimes I can just be sat down at home and my heart is pounding.
Please let me know if you're feeling the same in the comments!
I'm not alone and neither are you, I'm just tired of not being in control of myself!
Thanks for reading<3
Saffron x
Sunday, 6 March 2016
Sunday, 3 January 2016
Good Bye 2015! Hello 2016!
Hello everyone!
This is my first blog post of 2016 exciting isn't it!
Last year a lot happened to me, especially in the last six months of 2015. In a short space of time I'd realised I had anxiety and very quickly tried everything I could to try and shift it! I thought that I could blame it on a friendship that had been upsetting me since last christmas as it was the only slightly traumatic thing to happen when I started getting anxiety moments. I tried different breathing exercises, started playing more games on my phone to distract me from getting anxious, to completely having to walk out of rooms or outside to get fresh air and let it blow away the anxious-ness.
Of course there's no quick remedy as I've come out of denial. I'm gutted that this could be a more permanent aspect of my life, as I get held back from what I used to be able to do. In the short while I've had this I've created coping mechanisms, as before mentioned in my "Why blog?" post blogging and reading have been making my life much easier! Especially by coming out officially to Twitter and Blogger about my anxiety, I found people who are just like me, and it makes me feel so much better that there are others out there!
My most recent read is Zoella's "Girl Online" I tried to start reading it before Christmas when I was at Uni but Uni takes over my life in more aspects than I'd like it to. It's so refreshing to read about a characters anxiety, and you'd think that reading about anxiety might remind me that I have it and I'd get an anxious moment. But no, it's such an easy and relaxing read and I can relate a lot to Penny (not the embarrassing or humiliating aspects) the way that she feels and how she tries to cope with panic attacks.
I'm fortunate that I was a strong person before my anxiety, I've dealt with a lot more things than I would've liked in my short lifetime. So I have more strength to keep away panic attacks. I think I've only had about two proper panic attacks in my life, the most recent when I got trapped in the Isle of Wight festival crowd. My lovely friend dragged me through the crowd almost beating people up to get us out, as she too was having a panic attack. I would never dramatically say that my anxiety is like having panic attacks all the time, because having a panic attack is awful, it's vile! There are some people who genuinely get bad panic attacks, so it frustrates me when people claim they have it all the time! A panic attack for me, is where I am no longer able to see in front of me anymore, I can't think and I'm not in control of my own body, I can't breathe so I start uncontrollably hyperventilating so much that I might be close to being sick. Never would I claim to have this all the time. It's horrible and I do everything in my power not to let the anxiety take over.
I think a lot of the time we take ourselves for granted, we don't pat ourselves on the shoulder enough when we've been crawling through life's struggles. I'm genuinely really proud of myself, mostly for the latter part of the year. How quickly I actually opened up to my peers and family about what was wrong with me, and seeking counselling too. It's so much better to find and ask for help, you might think that no one will understand or no one can help you, but that's just the demons talking. There's so much out there now to help, you just have to look for it, and talk to someone, anyone!
I grew out of New Year's resolutions a long time ago, instead I write down each year the things I want to do. Last year I made a list of improvements to my life:
This is my first blog post of 2016 exciting isn't it!
Last year a lot happened to me, especially in the last six months of 2015. In a short space of time I'd realised I had anxiety and very quickly tried everything I could to try and shift it! I thought that I could blame it on a friendship that had been upsetting me since last christmas as it was the only slightly traumatic thing to happen when I started getting anxiety moments. I tried different breathing exercises, started playing more games on my phone to distract me from getting anxious, to completely having to walk out of rooms or outside to get fresh air and let it blow away the anxious-ness.
Of course there's no quick remedy as I've come out of denial. I'm gutted that this could be a more permanent aspect of my life, as I get held back from what I used to be able to do. In the short while I've had this I've created coping mechanisms, as before mentioned in my "Why blog?" post blogging and reading have been making my life much easier! Especially by coming out officially to Twitter and Blogger about my anxiety, I found people who are just like me, and it makes me feel so much better that there are others out there!
My most recent read is Zoella's "Girl Online" I tried to start reading it before Christmas when I was at Uni but Uni takes over my life in more aspects than I'd like it to. It's so refreshing to read about a characters anxiety, and you'd think that reading about anxiety might remind me that I have it and I'd get an anxious moment. But no, it's such an easy and relaxing read and I can relate a lot to Penny (not the embarrassing or humiliating aspects) the way that she feels and how she tries to cope with panic attacks.
I'm fortunate that I was a strong person before my anxiety, I've dealt with a lot more things than I would've liked in my short lifetime. So I have more strength to keep away panic attacks. I think I've only had about two proper panic attacks in my life, the most recent when I got trapped in the Isle of Wight festival crowd. My lovely friend dragged me through the crowd almost beating people up to get us out, as she too was having a panic attack. I would never dramatically say that my anxiety is like having panic attacks all the time, because having a panic attack is awful, it's vile! There are some people who genuinely get bad panic attacks, so it frustrates me when people claim they have it all the time! A panic attack for me, is where I am no longer able to see in front of me anymore, I can't think and I'm not in control of my own body, I can't breathe so I start uncontrollably hyperventilating so much that I might be close to being sick. Never would I claim to have this all the time. It's horrible and I do everything in my power not to let the anxiety take over.
I think a lot of the time we take ourselves for granted, we don't pat ourselves on the shoulder enough when we've been crawling through life's struggles. I'm genuinely really proud of myself, mostly for the latter part of the year. How quickly I actually opened up to my peers and family about what was wrong with me, and seeking counselling too. It's so much better to find and ask for help, you might think that no one will understand or no one can help you, but that's just the demons talking. There's so much out there now to help, you just have to look for it, and talk to someone, anyone!
I grew out of New Year's resolutions a long time ago, instead I write down each year the things I want to do. Last year I made a list of improvements to my life:
It wasn't be all and end all if I didn't do these things, I didn't do a lot of beehives, or got my ear pierced (but it's imminent as my boyfriend is paying for it!) I just think it's healthier to have some goals set for the year ahead. And here are mine:
- Go to cognitive behavioural therapy to try and find the root of my anxiety
- Pass my second year of university with at least a 2:1
- Go on holiday with my boyfriend over the summer
- Go on holiday with my friends again
- Make my own short film in my spare time
- Start vlogging to boost my confidence
- Actually have a savings that I don't dip into all the time
- Pass my theory and driving test
- Get an awesome car with an equally awesome name
- Make more time for friends and family
I will keep you guys updated over the year on which goals I've reached, as now I have a small group of readers to help influence these goals! I do also need to exercise more but I'm not being so strict on it as I don't want to force myself to do it, I want to enjoy exercising and find my love of running again in my own time.
Now for you guys, it's your turn. Plan some events this year and get one of those countdown apps to show what you have to look forward to, I've been doing this for the past three years (I have a monthly countdown to pay day because I'm sad) and it really helps me cope with the year to know I have such exciting things ahead of me! But also I want to know your goals for this year, what are you going to set out to fulfil, or if you do New Years resolutions comment on what those may be!
I will reply to all of you, also comment if you deal with anxiety or anything that takes control on your life!
I'm here for you,
Saffron x
Wednesday, 30 December 2015
Why blog?
Hello everyone!
As I have just picked up the blogging baton again, I thought it might interest some of you as to why I am blogging. Why now? Well I used to blog a lot when I was younger, when I was in secondary school. That was mostly cringey rants, movie or book reviews, nothing special.
Last year I noticed one of my best friends started blogging, so I looked at my blogs....and decided I better start a new one as my old one's (as previously mentioned) where uber cringe worthy.
I know I'm not a beautician, hair dresser, stylist, fashion designer, baker, cook or skilled in any particular way. However, I thought I had an advantage point, I know pretty much nothing about any of the before mentioned topics (I know somethings, but not much) and I found my angle:
As I have just picked up the blogging baton again, I thought it might interest some of you as to why I am blogging. Why now? Well I used to blog a lot when I was younger, when I was in secondary school. That was mostly cringey rants, movie or book reviews, nothing special.
Last year I noticed one of my best friends started blogging, so I looked at my blogs....and decided I better start a new one as my old one's (as previously mentioned) where uber cringe worthy.
I know I'm not a beautician, hair dresser, stylist, fashion designer, baker, cook or skilled in any particular way. However, I thought I had an advantage point, I know pretty much nothing about any of the before mentioned topics (I know somethings, but not much) and I found my angle:
"NORMAL IMPERFECT GIRL ATTEMPTS MAKE-UP, BAKING ETC"
One thing I do know is, that I am imperfect, I have blemishes like everyone else, I have scars and stretch marks, my teeth aren't straight and my eye's change colour in different light. One thing I have always dreamed of being is a role model for younger girls who might be too afraid to talk to their female relations. I've never had my eye brows waxed/threaded, I've only plucked them, and badly because I had no idea what shape my eye brow was meant to be and plucked too much and now they aren't thick enough -_-.
My point being is that being an in-experienced twenty year old I can try things for the first time and write/film it for others entertainment and maybe one day make a difference to some one's life. I know I'm not going to become the next "Zoella" but blogging also helps me, I don't get as stressed and ragey, and I'm not having anxiety attacks as much.
Today is the first day I realised how much better I actually feel, despite my usual sleepiness, I feel quite refreshed. Blogging fills up time that I used to freak out about random things, and let the anxiety take over.
So as much as it'd be nice to become a famous blogger, I am quite happy with who I am, I'm feeling relatively happy for one of the first times this year! It excites me when I think of things I want to write about, I'm even going to buy a pretty notebook to put my ideas in. Plus it will make me do things I've only dreamt of doing, I'm going to try out more make up, and flex my (lack of) baking and cooking skills.
Saffron x
Saffron x
Saturday, 26 December 2015
Winter Wonderland 2015
Hello everyone,
I hope you're all recovering from Christmas and getting ready for the New Year!
I had wanted to go to Hyde Park's Winter Wonderland for years, and this year I managed to bully my boyfriend into going with me yippee!
As we are two students we went up to London Victoria on the National Express, for a return for both of us it cost £25 in total compared to the possible double sum to get the train. It took longer, and was slightly uncomfortable when trying to sleep, but for the money is was worth it!
Enjoy some of our snaps below:
I hope you're all recovering from Christmas and getting ready for the New Year!
I had wanted to go to Hyde Park's Winter Wonderland for years, and this year I managed to bully my boyfriend into going with me yippee!
As we are two students we went up to London Victoria on the National Express, for a return for both of us it cost £25 in total compared to the possible double sum to get the train. It took longer, and was slightly uncomfortable when trying to sleep, but for the money is was worth it!
Enjoy some of our snaps below:
Images courtesy of my lovely boyfriend; Connor Cleary, for once he was able to take nice photos of me!
The two attractions that we paid for were The Magical Ice Kingdom and Ice Skating, the time slot I chose for the latter was five in the evening, as I saw from the images that they have lots of fairy lights above the rink, and I thought it would be romantic. And as per I was correct! Even though my feet were blistering and my arm was hurting from holding my boyfriend up as he is not an avid ice skater.
I wouldn't have changed anything about the day, it was worth our money and it was a lovely day out with wonderful new memories. I completely recommend anyone going to Winter Wonderland, we nearly got lost in all of the cute little markets to get souvenirs or christmas presents.
As a side note I was very nervous about the day out, as it'd been a while since I'd been out for a whole day. With my anxiety I don't really like being out of the house much as my home is my comfort and sanctuary. I always worry what time I'll be back and if i'm going to have an attack or get ill, I had only one moment in Winter Wonderland. We were on our way from Oxford Street to Hyde Park and I was anxious about being late for ice skating as I didn't want to miss our slot that we had paid for! On the way I really needed to pee and there was a queue, and I was getting really close to having an anxiety attack in the middle of Winter Wonderland.
But why? You may ask, I was having a lovely day with my boyfriend doing something I'd always wanted to do. So why was I getting so anxious? There's no reasonable explanation for it, I try to reason with it but I can't think of anything that explains why I would be so anxious in this situation. All I can do is try my breathing exercises, where I just breath in really deep and out over and over again until I feel better. The only issue is I can't tell anyone around me what's happening as it will get worse, I just power through with breathing whilst speed walking through Winter Wonderland so I can get my ice skates.
Fortunately that was my only moment, I think half the time I don't get as many as I used to because I find it so irritating I refuse to go to that place where I'm not in control.
Saffron x
Friday, 25 December 2015
Just Breathe
Merry Christmas everyone!
I have a present for you all, a little bit of insight!
Some where in the middle of July something happened to me. To which I have no clue, nothing traumatic happened, there's no explanation. I didn't realised until a couple of months later what I had. What I still have. I was feeling ill all the time, I wasn't going to work, and would often not call in sick as I hate making phone calls. Then I dodged calls from my work place as I had no idea what to tell them.
I was ill at least three or four times a week, having to live on shop bought medication so that I could try and get on with my life. I was constantly ill when I went on holiday to Turkey with my friends, I thought maybe I had caught a bug or something. I knew I was just overthinking things, and making myself ill so I tried to chill myself out, by sun bathing, swimming in the pool, and having cocktails with my friends. I started avoiding certain foods for fear that was what was making me ill.
But food doesn't make your heart beat out of your chest, and disrupt your breathing. I came to the realisation that I have anxiety. I was in denial and was hoping it was something more medical that doctors could sort out, but this is something within me.
It's been about five months living with this. Almost everyday I have to take myself physically out of what I'm doing, going for a walk, getting fresh air. I get panicky about various things that are stressful; university work, going out with friends/family, going on holiday, days out where I won't be back home for a whole day. The were all things I enjoyed-maybe not the university work. I don't understand why these things now bother me and make me so ill and anxious? I have to partake in breathing exercises to calm myself down.
I never knew much about anxiety before, I usually only had temporary anxiety for a job interview, first day at school/college/university, or exams. But I have unexplained anxiety attacks, I can be sat in the comfort of my room watching Netflix, and I'll suddenly have to pause and breathe in and out deep breaths.
I just wanted to let anyone know who might be possibly reading this that you aren't alone, of course every always says that. But I felt alone when I didn't know what was wrong with me. Then I started opening up to my loved one's around me for some support and understanding. I actually found out that they understood and my friends and family are there for me now, not that I always tell everyone when I'm having an anxiety attack as it makes it worse to admit I'm in one to people around me. They ask me how I am, and check in on me, and I'm ever so grateful to have them in my life. I used to be closed off and wouldn't let anyone in and know my problems, but I enjoy being able to be open to people now.
In the new year I'm seeking further help with cognitive behavioural therapy, to hopefully try and find out what's at the root of this. As I've tried to put blame on various things, and help myself get out of this, but I'm too far into this now. I'm afraid of how long I will have to deal with this, how it will affect me next year; when I go on holiday, when I have deadlines at university and just waking up every day wondering when it's going to happen again.
Before I realised what I had, I found out that the YouTube vlogger "Zoella" has anxiety, and I think it's admirable for someone with so many fans and younger girls looking up to her that might have the same sort of issues, or even if they don't. That someone who's partially in the lime light still makes videos each week, can go to award ceremonies, and can have a book published that breaks selling records.
I'm obviously not in any sort of lime light and don't get invited to awards ceremonies, but I'm proud of myself for so far not dropping out of social engagements, I force myself to go. I'd rather go and not enjoy myself, than sit at home wondering how it was and looking at photo's of my friends having a good time. I go home earlier than usual now, I don't drink an awful lot, and I'm not my usual self on most days. I'm quieter now, I blend into the walls on most occasions, not that I was the centre of attention from the beginning. Anxiety has changed me, I prefer to stay in bed and watch Netflix than socialise, I love the days where I don't have to talk to anyone and I can just lie there and stop any anxiety attacks.
I know I haven't had this for very long, but it's taken over my life in more ways than I would've thought. I never had an opinion on anxiety before, as I've had panic attacks in my life but very rarely, so I guess I kind of understood anxiety a little bit.
I hope that next year will be a better year for me, and that there is a reason for the way I am, if there's no reason whatsoever this is a cruel world to go through this almost everyday. Overtime I open my laptop to do university work, every time I'm getting ready to go out to every time I even eat now.
I just wanted to reach out to others like myself, that are taken over by what they have. And to inform others of what it's like, as some people use anxiety as an excuse when really they are just being dramatic, the same with depression, some people just want attention. I hate having attention, I don't want this at all, if someone else wants it feel free to take it!
I just want to be a normal twenty year old again.
Saffron x
I have a present for you all, a little bit of insight!
Some where in the middle of July something happened to me. To which I have no clue, nothing traumatic happened, there's no explanation. I didn't realised until a couple of months later what I had. What I still have. I was feeling ill all the time, I wasn't going to work, and would often not call in sick as I hate making phone calls. Then I dodged calls from my work place as I had no idea what to tell them.
I was ill at least three or four times a week, having to live on shop bought medication so that I could try and get on with my life. I was constantly ill when I went on holiday to Turkey with my friends, I thought maybe I had caught a bug or something. I knew I was just overthinking things, and making myself ill so I tried to chill myself out, by sun bathing, swimming in the pool, and having cocktails with my friends. I started avoiding certain foods for fear that was what was making me ill.
But food doesn't make your heart beat out of your chest, and disrupt your breathing. I came to the realisation that I have anxiety. I was in denial and was hoping it was something more medical that doctors could sort out, but this is something within me.
It's been about five months living with this. Almost everyday I have to take myself physically out of what I'm doing, going for a walk, getting fresh air. I get panicky about various things that are stressful; university work, going out with friends/family, going on holiday, days out where I won't be back home for a whole day. The were all things I enjoyed-maybe not the university work. I don't understand why these things now bother me and make me so ill and anxious? I have to partake in breathing exercises to calm myself down.
I never knew much about anxiety before, I usually only had temporary anxiety for a job interview, first day at school/college/university, or exams. But I have unexplained anxiety attacks, I can be sat in the comfort of my room watching Netflix, and I'll suddenly have to pause and breathe in and out deep breaths.
I just wanted to let anyone know who might be possibly reading this that you aren't alone, of course every always says that. But I felt alone when I didn't know what was wrong with me. Then I started opening up to my loved one's around me for some support and understanding. I actually found out that they understood and my friends and family are there for me now, not that I always tell everyone when I'm having an anxiety attack as it makes it worse to admit I'm in one to people around me. They ask me how I am, and check in on me, and I'm ever so grateful to have them in my life. I used to be closed off and wouldn't let anyone in and know my problems, but I enjoy being able to be open to people now.
In the new year I'm seeking further help with cognitive behavioural therapy, to hopefully try and find out what's at the root of this. As I've tried to put blame on various things, and help myself get out of this, but I'm too far into this now. I'm afraid of how long I will have to deal with this, how it will affect me next year; when I go on holiday, when I have deadlines at university and just waking up every day wondering when it's going to happen again.
Before I realised what I had, I found out that the YouTube vlogger "Zoella" has anxiety, and I think it's admirable for someone with so many fans and younger girls looking up to her that might have the same sort of issues, or even if they don't. That someone who's partially in the lime light still makes videos each week, can go to award ceremonies, and can have a book published that breaks selling records.
I'm obviously not in any sort of lime light and don't get invited to awards ceremonies, but I'm proud of myself for so far not dropping out of social engagements, I force myself to go. I'd rather go and not enjoy myself, than sit at home wondering how it was and looking at photo's of my friends having a good time. I go home earlier than usual now, I don't drink an awful lot, and I'm not my usual self on most days. I'm quieter now, I blend into the walls on most occasions, not that I was the centre of attention from the beginning. Anxiety has changed me, I prefer to stay in bed and watch Netflix than socialise, I love the days where I don't have to talk to anyone and I can just lie there and stop any anxiety attacks.
I know I haven't had this for very long, but it's taken over my life in more ways than I would've thought. I never had an opinion on anxiety before, as I've had panic attacks in my life but very rarely, so I guess I kind of understood anxiety a little bit.
I hope that next year will be a better year for me, and that there is a reason for the way I am, if there's no reason whatsoever this is a cruel world to go through this almost everyday. Overtime I open my laptop to do university work, every time I'm getting ready to go out to every time I even eat now.
I just wanted to reach out to others like myself, that are taken over by what they have. And to inform others of what it's like, as some people use anxiety as an excuse when really they are just being dramatic, the same with depression, some people just want attention. I hate having attention, I don't want this at all, if someone else wants it feel free to take it!
I just want to be a normal twenty year old again.
Saffron x
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