Where Have I Been?

Some of you may have noticed, some of you might be like "you were gone? gone where?". Well, half way through October my mental health finally caved in. I knew throughout the first lockdown that I was struggling, but I didn't really have any signs or symptoms. It wasn't until around August that I could feel myself snapping at small things, having emotional breakdowns whilst at work and starting to feel physical symptoms of anxiety. Most of my anxious thoughts were in my head from January, and I think I had no idea what was happening in 2020 so I couldn't process these worries.

I feel like the beginning of the pandemic was the earthquake, and now I'm feeling the aftershock. 

Shot by Connor Cleary at Durdle Door during my break in October

There was nothing special about the day where I completed broke. I woke up as usual, a bit groggy but nothing out of the ordinary. I had been wanting to start writing down my moods and emotions since I had been feeling extremely angry and anxious a lot, so I began to write a mixture of positive and negative events and feelings. Whilst doing this I started to feel off. My body just didn't feel quite right. I had to start doing deep controlled breaths, but the panic was already there. I began to feel queazy, thinking I might actually throw up. I felt hot and claustrophobic, although I was in a spacious room on my own with easy access to open the windows. I headed to the bathroom because I knew something was wrong. A few days prior to this I had been worrying that I had anxious IBS symptoms, and on this day I was granted my answer. I don't often get my IBS symptoms unless there's a particular nervous occasion; like a job interview. 

Of all the places to finally have a huge breakdown, the toilet would not be my first choice. My depression and anxiety finally took over my mind and body. I was crying, shaking, struggling to breathe and my head hurt so much. I knew I wasn't alone in the house and I did not want an audience so I had to try and keep my sobs and gasps of breath quiet, which is super hard when you've lost all control of yourself. Once I managed to get off the toilet I curled up in the bed; a safe comfy place to try and calm down. I needed something comforting so I popped Gilmore Girls on the TV. I could feel myself start to slowly float back down to earth. Trying to comprehend what the hell happened and why. Before my episode I had texted Connor so say I wasn't feeling well, and I wasn't sure why. He was out working, and I don't normally message him stuff like this when he's at work, but I was alone and worried. He called me up when travelling to another job to see what was wrong. I was still extremely fragile and I didn't really want to get into it. Over the years Connor has really tried to understand my mental health, and has been a huge part of my support network. However, now was not a great time for his questions and lack of understanding. The whole phone call ended up being very triggering and my episode turned into a two parter. I was just wailing on the phone and not getting anywhere. I knew I had to end the call if I had any hope of recovering quickly.

I returned to controlled deep breaths and trying to clear my mind of everything that made me lose my mind.

What happened? I hear you ask.

If I had to draw a timeline, I'd say I still had a lot of loose ends from my cognitive behavioural therapy sessions back in 2016. The therapy was amazing and really helped me get back on my feet, but unfortunately as a free service the course had an expiration date. I had learned coping mechanisms and unlearned unhealthy behaviours, but I hadn't really learned how to look after myself and how to check in with my mental health. I had a lot of traumatic things happen between 2015 and 2016 and they really did a number on me.

As I threw myself into my university work and getting a job when I graduated, I was just refocussing my brain and distracting it. When I was made redundant in April 2019, again I threw myself into getting another job and having money to pay my bills and get out of debt. I never really processed the redundancy, and cracks in my emotions and mental health started to show a little while into these new jobs. So much so that I had a breakdown in the first week of a new job, and had to take the whole weekend off work because I was struggling and was so overwhelmed. I am not someone who likes to call in sick. Even after this, I continued to shut off my emotions. I told myself I didn't have time to crumble, I didn't have time to tune into what was going on with me. That it was the best course of action for me.

Wrong. That's the worst thing I could do.

All I was doing by putting everything in crammed boxes in my brain, and pushing them to the furthest side, was letting the problems brew longer. Letting them multiply until they finally burst out at the most inconvenient moment. When actually I need to set aside time, pick a box and begin to organise and process its contents. Being aware of what's in those boxes is far more healthier than being ignorant. Still I did not put this into practise. I changed jobs, and kept my head down whilst I proved my worth and got myself out of my overdraft. 

In January of this year, we all started to pay attention to the coronavirus outbreak in China. When I saw this news, I knew immediately that this was not good. I've only lived through two similar events; bird flu and swine flu. Both of which were quite mild in the end, but I remember it taking over our lives and taking hand sanitiser everywhere. Yet we all carried on going to school and work, nothing stopped. I was worried that Connor and I weren't going to be able to go to New York; should we wear masks? Can we cancel? Well, there's no reported cases so it must be ok, right? To my knowledge we were fine, but I remember being very conscious of touching surfaces and making sure we sanitised, just in case. When we got back a fellow Brit arrived in the UK from France the same day, just a different airport. This man unknowingly had infected his group on holiday and tested positive when he arrived back. I couldn't believe how close I felt to it. But it was all fine, not our airport, no symptoms. 

When I started obsessively checking the news at the beginning of the year, I noticed that my eating habits started to rise. More binge eating, snacking and pudding intake was on the rise. Usually I'd just give myself some time, get it out of my system. However, my appetite didn't seem to be slowing down. After awhile, I put it down to stress eating. I was subconsciously really stressed about this virus, and was eating as a coping mechanism. I remember when we started to have more and more cases being reported, that I'd look around at work and in public spaces. People were just walking around like normal? But there was a pandemic unraveling? I started to try and leave plenty of space between myself and others, not touch door handles and wash my hands a lot more (not that I was an unclean person before). I began to social distance from my parents as a precaution because I did not want to be a part of the spread. I wasn't scared about catching it at this point, I just didn't want to feel responsible for passing it onto vulnerable people. 

On 23rd March, the prime minister announced an immediate national lockdown and I was officially terrified. This was now serious in the eyes of our nation, and many others. All of a sudden five adults were mostly confined to our house (with the exception of work or exercise). Usually we all come and go because of varying schedules, but now the house felt very small and cramped. Trying to find a space to unwind became more difficult. I could feel my mind on edge because of all of the uncertainty, and having no answers. It did not help that for the majority of the week I'd be at work with around 50+ colleagues, and sometimes not able to maintain social distancing and at the time; no masks. Being so afraid of other humans and trying to picture in my head two shopping trolleys to see if there's appropriate distance. Running in the road and holding my breath as I pass pedestrians. Recoiling when anyone outside of my household tries to touch me. All of this was chipping away at me. I had no physical symptoms of anxiety, but I could feel it there, just below the surface. We're good friends, basically family so I know it quite well now. Just not well enough to know how to stop it. 

Lockdown came and went, restrictions were lifted. I gladly saw friends and family following the rules, however feeling very drained and feeling anxious, but only temporarily. I'd sometimes limit how much I'd socialise in a week, to stop this drained feeling. 

Then, the outbursts started. At work I could feel myself getting irate and a bit irrational, I could feel myself on the verge of hulking out. Of course I'd try and use my rational voice to calm down, I don't want to actually have a violent outburst whether it's verbal, punching or kicking objects. I'd have to take myself off for an impromptu toilet break to neutralise. On the opposite spectrum for me, was emotional breakdowns. Almost for no reason bursting into tears uncontrollably for lengths of time. As I started to lose count of these episodes, I knew something more was coming. I didn't know what, or when but I could see a huge breakdown on the horizon and I couldn't change paths. When talking to my lovely MindMappers we rate how we are on a scale of 1-10, and I kept finding that I had been at 4/5 for quite a while. In limbo. Not ever really feeling consistently happy, but not always feeling down either; neutral. Knowing that all over the world we were all feeling the same uncertainty, people suffering and being scared. We are all united in this one horrible event. Yet no one knows the way out. I thought that maybe it would help, knowing I wasn't alone. But knowing that no one can help, or have any answers just made me feel worse. 

A few weeks before my major breakdown, I downloaded Headspace and started to make fairly regular time to meditate, just take some time out for myself and breathe. I really enjoy meditation, but I'm terrible at sticking with things. I also think it was too little too late. I was grasping at straws to try and mend the wreckage in my brain.

During my episode I was overwhelmed with thoughts of: Covid-19, Black Lives Matter, our bumbling government making terrible decision after terrible decision, my less than ideal job, not having a house, a handful of health problems all running through my brain and frying it like an egg. I was focussed on all of them at once, and it was like multiple people were shouting inside my head. It felt like my head was going to EXPLODE. All rationale had gone out the window. I had lost myself. I hadn't felt like this in so long, so weak and small. Fragile. One blow of air and I would shatter.

One of the biggest, immediate things I wanted to do was to come completely offline for a period of time. I had been struggling with the bombardment of horrible events, negative and bitchy posts everywhere, everyone fighting with each other online and looking for arguments. I had done a social media break before for a week last year, and it did wonders for clearing my head. At this time my head was a deep thick fog, so I didn't second guess this decision. All social media apps were deleted: Facebook, Messenger, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat and WhatsApp (I realised too late that I didn't back up my messages and that I couldn't access this on my computer; idiot). I also turned off news notifications and avoided it whenever possible. I have a post coming all about my whole online detox. 

The thing I hadn't planned, was being offline for a month. No, you don't need to adjust your screens; I said one month. I don't think I've ever been offline for that long since before social media was created. It's really been a blessing and I definitely needed more than a week, I reckon I would've had a relapse shortly after. I am not ready for another one, I do not have the energy to keep dragging myself out of this dark pit. Depression and anxiety separately are awful, but together it's an even more monstrous cocktail. In this time away I've had a lot more time to think, to assess my life and make changes for the better. This may include a complete rebrand across my blog and social media (possible post to follow).

I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon, but my habits with social media need to change. I've always been very susceptible to the negative side of social media, and I need to do more to look after myself. After giving some time to recover from my breakdown, from the bad news of my car's MOT and an eye injury (yeah bad stuff tends to happen all at once for me) I've been trying to work out things to keep me grounded, and in check with my mental and physical health. I started doing yoga before bed thanks to the #21DayChallenge with the MindMapper crew and it was so refreshing to set myself some time each day just for me. 

I'm going to continue with certain activities, and I'll do a write up if I find that they've helped - because they might just help someone else too. 

This post turned out to be much longer than expected, but I wanted to give a good insight into why I've been quiet online and hopefully you can relate to my experience as well. You are not alone, there are plenty of people out here to help.

Two Years On From "Just Breathe"

Two years ago I wrote a very personal post called Just Breathe talking about my mental health experience at that time. It was Christmas Day 2015.

I was really miserable over the Christmas period which was horrible as I wanted to be happy with my family, but I was bogged down with the horrible events happening in the world, and I had recently been diagnosed with Anxiety.

At this point I'd been blogging on and off for a few years and had created previous blogs. This blog was created for me to be as open and honest as I wanted to be about a whole matter of topics. Little did I know how much I would battle with mental health issues.

I'd actually forgotten about some of the posts I wrote when I was really suffering with anxiety. When the other day I suddenly remembered that it's coming up to two years from a crucial turning point for my blog.

To set some context for Just Breathe, it was Christmas Day. I had been suffering with physical illnesses for sixth months wondering what the cause was. I was in the middle of my second year of university and was getting very stressed about assignments. And I had just figured out that my physical illnesses weren't the root of something physical. It was something wrong with my brain.

I was devastated. There was no quick cure to fix me.

So I turned to my blog, my fairly unused and un-opinionated blog, to spill my mental thoughts in the hopes to make myself better, and that whoever will be reading it as well will not feel so alone.

I felt very alone in the first few months, I didn't understand what was happening and neither did my friends or family. Eventually the more I talked about it, the more I found that there were other people around me who were the exact same. It's very strange to talk to people about your mental health, but it was so beneficial to hear what other people experienced as well.

I also want to talk about how far I've come in the past two years. There's still parts of my mental health and experiences that I don't feel comfortable talking about just yet, but the time will come. Because all I want to do is help and inform others about sensitive topics that we need to address.

I forget that sometimes a good day is being able to get out of bed and get dressed, going to any kind of social event, and let's not forget actually talking to people or having the courage to talk to people.

Or even having a super bad day and crying my eyes out, it means I'm still here and I'm still fighting.

I remember noting down moments when I felt anxious in my cognitive behavioural therapy sessions, and I found some the other day. There were things like making a phone call as I would get anxious about what to say even if it's to someone that I know.

But two years later, I answer calls even if I think it's a sales call (albeit I do still have days where I really don't want to answer the phone, even if it's someone I know). I go to social gatherings without having to do my breathing exercises on the way there and during. I've met up with complete strangers from the internet and have held really in depth conversations with them like we'd been friends for ages. I've managed to have blips of self confidence and gotten myself some unique opportunities (I just wish I had this confidence all the time).

I mentioned to someone on Twitter recently that it's good to note down the positive things that happen, even if it's that I had my favourite coffee with whipped cream on top. I used to put them in a jar with the date on, so that when I was having a bad day, or felt a little down I could pull a piece of paper out and remember what made me happy that day.

We tend to let the bad days and the bad memories define us and take over our lives. I don't want to live that way anymore, I want to remember the good instead of the bad.

Yes I've been through counselling and was discharged, and yes I don't always have anxious moments every day anymore. But it's all still there and sometimes so raw. I never know when it's going to hit me, and I can't always prepare every single situation. But I have the tools to recover and cope. I don't know if there ever will come a time when I'll have a more normal life, but for now I am handling things.

I still have bad days, weeks and months. But I have built a support system and I know when I need a break to pull myself back together. No matter what, your health is important.

As always, if you ever need to talk or ask me questions you know where to find me!

I hope you've all had a lovely Christmas where ever you are.

Love Saffron x

Grab A Cuppa

If you haven't tried Coffee #1 you're missing out, especially their caramel macchiato.

I'm thinking of turning this into a series of posts where I open up about thoughts and feelings I've been having. I've been wanting to be more open and honest on my blog for a while now, and even on Twitter I've been trying to talk about issues that are important to me.

I've had a post in my drafts for a while about Feeling Lost At 21, but it's more than just feeling lost.

I advise you to grab a cuppa with me while I talk through what's been playing on my mind. I will section up topics as best I can, so if you get bored you can skip to the next topic (how nice am I?).

Feeling like a failure

This is something that's rooted within me, I've always had high expectations of myself and I always want to please others, and if I don't...I have failed. If I forget something; I have failed. If I don't make a phone call or write an email; I have failed. If I can't meet with friends; I have failed. If I can't bear to go outside; I have failed.

I thought that I'd stopped doing this when I was receiving counselling for anxiety and depression. I've only recently realised that I'm still doing it. When I feel like I've failed I get so frustrated at myself, this then turns into a downward spiral fuelling my depressive side.

I need to stop putting myself on a pedestal that I can't reach, I expect so much of myself when I just can't and I make my mental health even worse.

My depression 

Recently I've started taking part in mental health chats on Twitter, and I love getting involved in lots of chats but especially talking about mental health. It makes you realise you're not alone, and I love to try and help others who are still struggling. Some of the first questions are usually about if you've been diagnosed with a mental illness. I usually reply that I have generalised anxiety disorder and that they also diagnosed me with depression. My thoughts on the latter are usually that I don't have it anymore, or it's not as bad, or it comes and goes like waves.

I've come to the conclusion that I think I've always had it. I do have short periods of my life in which I feel happy, but it never lasts long. I don't like to spend too much time alone because I don't like my own company, I often don't like myself at all. If I'm alone too much I do become depressed and helpless.

It doesn't help when you always feel worthless or like a failure on a day to day basis. I feel like if I don't talk about being depressed or even my anxiety people often forget I still have it. It doesn't go away, trust me I've tried fixing myself, or "curing" myself and there's no quick solution. It's frustrating that people don't take into account my mental health sometimes, I don't want to be treated differently or have special treatment. I just want people to remember that I'm not ok, and maybe just check in every once and a while and listen to me ramble over a cuppa.

When people ask me how I am, I reply "not too bad" but most times I want to say that I'm not ok. But, that's far too deep a conversation to get into when you pass someone in the hallway, on the street, at work or at the pub.

Why am I not ok?

Reasons why I'm not ok:

Stress, Anxiety, Depression, Loss, Self-hate, Weight, Uncertainty, Pressure, Money, Work

If you add all of that up I'm sure we can all agree it equals not being ok. With graduating on the horizon and my part time job isn't 100% stable at the moment I've got a lot of stressful thoughts roaming around my mind.

I've applied for a total of TWENTY JOBS so far and I've heard nothing back. I've tried re-working my CV but I'm not confident about it, I don't have enough "credits" for it to sell what I can do. I also can't drive yet and almost every single job requires you to drive, or be 23 or 25 for insurance purposes. It's really off putting that I can't apply for these jobs because I can't drive or I'm not based in London.

I don't often realise how stressed and anxious I am, I used to get physical symptoms; high heart rate, sickness, IBS/poorly tummy. I got better at coping with the physical symptoms but sometimes I can't control the invisible symptoms. These can be just my mood, how I talk to people, and lack of motivation to name a few.

It feels like there's so much to do it's unbearable, everything is out of my control or far ahead in front of me. This causes my anxiety to act up because I'm not in control of my future.

So what now?

Right now I'm trying not to give up hope. I'm looking forward to graduating, and it's been nice to not have that workload on my shoulders. But I'm still anxiously waiting to get my grades back. I'm trying to keep busy so that I don't work myself into a post-graduate depression, because that is a real thing that everyone experiences.

I want to focus on my blog, getting myself together and trying to enjoy life a bit more. I tend to hole myself up almost like a vampire that I forget how beautiful the sunset looks. And of course job hunting for a 'proper job' but I shouldn't get my hopes up. Plus my film is getting some finishing touches before releasing it into the wild world of film festivals.

I recently binge watched Girl Boss on Netflix and absolutely loved it, completely recommend if you haven't seen it yet!

Sorry for being a bit absent, I hope all of you are ok!

Love Saffron x

Panic on the Dance Floor

..."But you better not kill the groove"

Hey guys!

The reason for this homage to an old classic by Sophie Ellis Bextor is because recently I went out with my friends, as we do nearly every month. I always look forward to going out with them as we have fun and have a good laugh too, and take lots of pictures and videos to capture our fun. I don't have to worry about getting anxious or panicky around them, because through past events I've subconsciously built trust with my friend group and the anxiety gets shut away so I can just enjoy myself.

But, this time something went wrong.

I did my usual get ready schedule, I start getting ready earlier, I don't rush myself, if I start to feel my heart pounding or light headed, I sit down and take some deep breaths. I did everything right, I even put a little more effort into what I wore, my hair and my make-up, I felt really good about myself. When I asked my lovely housemates if I looked OK they said nothing but compliments, so I  left the house ecstatic to show off my look and flaunt my best moves at our favourite club.

We met at our usual pre-drinking pub for cheap drinks and to catch up on gossip, work and all things girly. Got into the club and started requesting Taylor Swift (which is always a must!) got drinks and settled into flailing around like mad people.

I started to realise my heart wasn't 100% into dancing and drinking this night, which made me feel disheartened as usually I'm the member of our group who goes full pelt into drinking and dancing, and not caring what I look like, or if people are watching. All of my problems starting seeping through into the forefront of my mind, not paying attention to the pop songs, or my friends serenading each other. All of my university work, and stress with deadlines, all of the thoughts going through my head that make me severely unhappy.

I kept trying to keep my head up, smile and dance away. But, something pushed me over the edge.

I saw an old work colleague, she accidentally bumped into me and apologised, and I recognised her and started to talk to her. She didn't recognise me and thought I was someone else, she did apologise and say that she was "smashed" so I left her to it. I couldn't help but feel down about someone I worked with a lot, didn't know who I was. However, I carried on the night trying to forget my troubles.

Then, later I saw her dancing with a guy, this wouldn't have been an issue normally, but to my knowledge she was in a relationship. And I have a huge problem with people cheating on their partners, and with guys creeping on girls, in this case a very drunk girl. Something pushed me over the edge here, I started to get hot, started breathing sharply, my eyes were welling up, and I knew I had to get out. I pushed past other clubbers, half ran down the stairs into the garden to the first bench I saw un-attended by anyone and burst into tears and hyperventilating.

This has never happened to me before in a club. It's never happened when I've been with my close friends. What on earth had just happened to me? Why had I been reduced to tears and lack of breath over things that don't seem rational?

I don't know how long I was sat there for, but I ended up drawing attention from some strangers who asked me if I was ok. It turns out I actually sort of knew them which was comforting! They did actually cheer me up and wanted to know what was wrong, and I'm so grateful that they were there.

When I was sitting there by myself as a big crying mess, I knew I wasn't getting any better. The fact that this happened somewhere I'm usually comfortable, and with people I'm comfortable with, means I'm not OK.

I haven't been OK for a while now, and after Christmas I was under the facade that I was feeling better, going to therapy and giving others advice. When I think it was just another phase of denial. With the amount of stress I've been under recently, and the state of my emotions and my brain, I've been off the charts with panic attacks. As I've said previously I don't like saying anxiety, or panic attacks, there are various scales of both. I wouldn't say I had full on attacks, but that I was close, I had two in two weeks. Whereas usually I would only have one in two years.

I had started group therapy sessions for a "panic group" but I've opted for one on one therapy, as I think there's a problem rooted in me, that I want to try harder to sort out. I've only come so far trying techniques myself, with breathing exercises, distractions, fresh air and taking shop bought drugs to prevent getting ill.

As I have no set trigger for my anxiety, I can't try to treat one area of it. Many scenarios can set me off, a crowded place, needing the toilet and not knowing where the closest one is, travelling a long distance, going somewhere new, being late for something, phone calls, talking to people I don't know, stress, confrontation, interviews, presentations, or sometimes I can just be sat down at home and my heart is pounding.

Please let me know if you're feeling the same in the comments! 

I'm not alone and neither are you, I'm just tired of not being in control of myself!

Thanks for reading<3

Saffron x

Good Bye 2015! Hello 2016!

Hello everyone!

This is my first blog post of 2016 exciting isn't it!

Last year a lot happened to me, especially in the last six months of 2015. In a short space of time I'd realised I had anxiety and very quickly tried everything I could to try and shift it! I thought that I could blame it on a friendship that had been upsetting me since last christmas as it was the only slightly traumatic thing to happen when I started getting anxiety moments. I tried different breathing exercises, started playing more games on my phone to distract me from getting anxious, to completely having to walk out of rooms or outside to get fresh air and let it blow away the anxious-ness.

Of course there's no quick remedy as I've come out of denial. I'm gutted that this could be a more permanent aspect of my life, as I get held back from what I used to be able to do. In the short while I've had this I've created coping mechanisms, as before mentioned in my "Why blog?" post blogging and reading have been making my life much easier! Especially by coming out officially to Twitter and Blogger about my anxiety, I found people who are just like me, and it makes me feel so much better that there are others out there! 

My most recent read is Zoella's "Girl Online" I tried to start reading it before Christmas when I was at Uni but Uni takes over my life in more aspects than I'd like it to. It's so refreshing to read about a characters anxiety, and you'd think that reading about anxiety might remind me that I have it and I'd get an anxious moment. But no, it's such an easy and relaxing read and I can relate a lot to Penny (not the embarrassing or humiliating aspects) the way that she feels and how she tries to cope with panic attacks. 

I'm fortunate that I was a strong person before my anxiety, I've dealt with a lot more things than I would've liked in my short lifetime. So I have more strength to keep away panic attacks. I think I've only had about two proper panic attacks in my life, the most recent when I got trapped in the Isle of Wight festival crowd. My lovely friend dragged me through the crowd almost beating people up to get us out, as she too was having a panic attack. I would never dramatically say that my anxiety is like having panic attacks all the time, because having a panic attack is awful, it's vile! There are some people who genuinely get bad panic attacks, so it frustrates me when people claim they have it all the time! A panic attack for me, is where I am no longer able to see in front of me anymore, I can't think and I'm not in control of my own body, I can't breathe so I start uncontrollably hyperventilating so much that I might be close to being sick. Never would I claim to have this all the time. It's horrible and I do everything in my power not to let the anxiety take over.

I think a lot of the time we take ourselves for granted, we don't pat ourselves on the shoulder enough when we've been crawling through life's struggles. I'm genuinely really proud of myself, mostly for the latter part of the year. How quickly I actually opened up to my peers and family about what was wrong with me, and seeking counselling too. It's so much better to find and ask for help, you might think that no one will understand or no one can help you, but that's just the demons talking. There's so much out there now to help, you just have to look for it, and talk to someone, anyone!

I grew out of New Year's resolutions a long time ago, instead I write down each year the things I want to do. Last year I made a list of improvements to my life:

It wasn't be all and end all if I didn't do these things, I didn't do a lot of beehives, or got my ear pierced (but it's imminent as my boyfriend is paying for it!) I just think it's healthier to have some goals set for the year ahead. And here are mine:

• Go to cognitive behavioural therapy to try and find the root of my anxiety

• Pass my second year of university with at least a 2:1

• Go on holiday with my boyfriend over the summer

• Go on holiday with my friends again

• Make my own short film in my spare time

• Start vlogging to boost my confidence

• Actually have a savings that I don't dip into all the time

• Pass my theory and driving test

• Get an awesome car with an equally awesome name

• Make more time for friends and family

I will keep you guys updated over the year on which goals I've reached, as now I have a small group of readers to help influence these goals! I do also need to exercise more but I'm not being so strict on it as I don't want to force myself to do it, I want to enjoy exercising and find my love of running again in my own time.

Now for you guys, it's your turn. Plan some events this year and get one of those countdown apps to show what you have to look forward to, I've been doing this for the past three years (I have a monthly countdown to pay day because I'm sad) and it really helps me cope with the year to know I have such exciting things ahead of me! But also I want to know your goals for this year, what are you going to set out to fulfil, or if you do New Years resolutions comment on what those may be!

I will reply to all of you, also comment if you deal with anxiety or anything that takes control on your life!

I'm here for you,

Saffron x

Why blog?

Hello everyone!

As I have just picked up the blogging baton again, I thought it might interest some of you as to why I am blogging. Why now? Well I used to blog a lot when I was younger, when I was in secondary school. That was mostly cringey rants, movie or book reviews, nothing special.

Last year I noticed one of my best friends started blogging, so I looked at my blogs....and decided I better start a new one as my old one's (as previously mentioned) where uber cringe worthy.

I know I'm not a beautician, hair dresser, stylist, fashion designer, baker, cook or skilled in any particular way. However, I thought I had an advantage point, I know pretty much nothing about any of the before mentioned topics (I know somethings, but not much) and I found my angle:

"NORMAL IMPERFECT GIRL ATTEMPTS MAKE-UP, BAKING ETC"

One thing I do know is, that I am imperfect, I have blemishes like everyone else, I have scars and stretch marks, my teeth aren't straight and my eye's change colour in different light. One thing I have always dreamed of being is a role model for younger girls who might be too afraid to talk to their female relations. I've never had my eye brows waxed/threaded, I've only plucked them, and badly because I had no idea what shape my eye brow was meant to be and plucked too much and now they aren't thick enough -_-.

My point being is that being an in-experienced twenty year old I can try things for the first time and write/film it for others entertainment and maybe one day make a difference to some one's life. I know I'm not going to become the next "Zoella" but blogging also helps me, I don't get as stressed and ragey, and I'm not having anxiety attacks as much. 

Today is the first day I realised how much better I actually feel, despite my usual sleepiness, I feel quite refreshed. Blogging fills up time that I used to freak out about random things, and let the anxiety take over.

So as much as it'd be nice to become a famous blogger, I am quite happy with who I am, I'm feeling relatively happy for one of the first times this year! It excites me when I think of things I want to write about, I'm even going to buy a pretty notebook to put my ideas in. Plus it will make me do things I've only dreamt of doing, I'm going to try out more make up, and flex my (lack of) baking and cooking skills.

Saffron x

Winter Wonderland 2015

Hello everyone, 

I hope you're all recovering from Christmas and getting ready for the New Year!

I had wanted to go to Hyde Park's Winter Wonderland for years, and this year I managed to bully my boyfriend into going with me yippee!

As we are two students we went up to London Victoria on the National Express, for a return for both of us it cost £25 in total compared to the possible double sum to get the train. It took longer, and was slightly uncomfortable when trying to sleep, but for the money is was worth it!

Enjoy some of our snaps below:

Images courtesy of my lovely boyfriend; Connor Cleary, for once he was able to take nice photos of me!

The two attractions that we paid for were The Magical Ice Kingdom and Ice Skating, the time slot I chose for the latter was five in the evening, as I saw from the images that they have lots of fairy lights above the rink, and I thought it would be romantic. And as per I was correct! Even though my feet were blistering and my arm was hurting from holding my boyfriend up as he is not an avid ice skater.

I wouldn't have changed anything about the day, it was worth our money and it was a lovely day out with wonderful new memories. I completely recommend anyone going to Winter Wonderland, we nearly got lost in all of the cute little markets to get souvenirs or christmas presents.

As a side note I was very nervous about the day out, as it'd been a while since I'd been out for a whole day. With my anxiety I don't really like being out of the house much as my home is my comfort and sanctuary. I always worry what time I'll be back and if i'm going to have an attack or get ill, I had only one moment in Winter Wonderland. We were on our way from Oxford Street to Hyde Park and I was anxious about being late for ice skating as I didn't want to miss our slot that we had paid for! On the way I really needed to pee and there was a queue, and I was getting really close to having an anxiety attack in the middle of Winter Wonderland. 

But why? You may ask, I was having a lovely day with my boyfriend doing something I'd always wanted to do. So why was I getting so anxious? There's no reasonable explanation for it, I try to reason with it but I can't think of anything that explains why I would be so anxious in this situation. All I can do is try my breathing exercises, where I just breath in really deep and out over and over again until I feel better. The only issue is I can't tell anyone around me what's happening as it will get worse, I just power through with breathing whilst speed walking through Winter Wonderland so I can get my ice skates.

Fortunately that was my only moment, I think half the time I don't get as many as I used to because I find it so irritating I refuse to go to that place where I'm not in control.

Saffron x

Just Breathe

Merry Christmas everyone!

I have a present for you all, a little bit of insight!

Some where in the middle of July something happened to me. To which I have no clue, nothing traumatic happened, there's no explanation. I didn't realised until a couple of months later what I had. What I still have. I was feeling ill all the time, I wasn't going to work, and would often not call in sick as I hate making phone calls. Then I dodged calls from my work place as I had no idea what to tell them.

I was ill at least three or four times a week, having to live on shop bought medication so that I could try and get on with my life. I was constantly ill when I went on holiday to Turkey with my friends, I thought maybe I had caught a bug or something. I knew I was just overthinking things, and making myself ill so I tried to chill myself out, by sun bathing, swimming in the pool, and having cocktails with my friends. I started avoiding certain foods for fear that was what was making me ill.

But food doesn't make your heart beat out of your chest, and disrupt your breathing. I came to the realisation that I have anxiety. I was in denial and was hoping it was something more medical that doctors could sort out, but this is something within me. 

It's been about five months living with this. Almost everyday I have to take myself physically out of what I'm doing, going for a walk, getting fresh air. I get panicky about various things that are stressful; university work, going out with friends/family, going on holiday, days out where I won't be back home for a whole day. The were all things I enjoyed-maybe not the university work. I don't understand why these things now bother me and make me so ill and anxious? I have to partake in breathing exercises to calm myself down.

I never knew much about anxiety before, I usually only had temporary anxiety for a job interview, first day at school/college/university, or exams. But I have unexplained anxiety attacks, I can be sat in the comfort of my room watching Netflix, and I'll suddenly have to pause and breathe in and out deep breaths.

I just wanted to let anyone know who might be possibly reading this that you aren't alone, of course every always says that. But I felt alone when I didn't know what was wrong with me. Then I started opening up to my loved one's around me for some support and understanding. I actually found out that they understood and my friends and family are there for me now, not that I always tell everyone when I'm having an anxiety attack as it makes it worse to admit I'm in one to people around me. They ask me how I am, and check in on me, and I'm ever so grateful to have them in my life. I used to be closed off and wouldn't let anyone in and know my problems, but I enjoy being able to be open to people now.

In the new year I'm seeking further help with cognitive behavioural therapy, to hopefully try and find out what's at the root of this. As I've tried to put blame on various things, and help myself get out of this, but I'm too far into this now. I'm afraid of how long I will have to deal with this, how it will affect me next year; when I go on holiday, when I have deadlines at university and just waking up every day wondering when it's going to happen again.

Before I realised what I had, I found out that the YouTube vlogger "Zoella" has anxiety, and I think it's admirable for someone with so many fans and younger girls looking up to her that might have the same sort of issues, or even if they don't. That someone who's partially in the lime light still makes videos each week, can go to award ceremonies, and can have a book published that breaks selling records.

I'm obviously not in any sort of lime light and don't get invited to awards ceremonies, but I'm proud of myself for so far not dropping out of social engagements, I force myself to go. I'd rather go and not enjoy myself, than sit at home wondering how it was and looking at photo's of my friends having a good time. I go home earlier than usual now, I don't drink an awful lot, and I'm not my usual self on most days. I'm quieter now, I blend into the walls on most occasions, not that I was the centre of attention from the beginning. Anxiety has changed me, I prefer to stay in bed and watch Netflix than socialise, I love the days where I don't have to talk to anyone and I can just lie there and stop any anxiety attacks.

I know I haven't had this for very long, but it's taken over my life in more ways than I would've thought. I never had an opinion on anxiety before, as I've had panic attacks in my life but very rarely, so I guess I kind of understood anxiety a little bit.

I hope that next year will be a better year for me, and that there is a reason for the way I am, if there's no reason whatsoever this is a cruel world to go through this almost everyday. Overtime I open my laptop to do university work, every time I'm getting ready to go out to every time I even eat now.

I just wanted to reach out to others like myself, that are taken over by what they have. And to inform others of what it's like, as some people use anxiety as an excuse when really they are just being dramatic, the same with depression, some people just want attention. I hate having attention, I don't want this at all, if someone else wants it feel free to take it! 

I just want to be a normal twenty year old again.

Saffron x