Sunday 13 March 2016

I'm Now on YouTube!


I previously mentioned making the leap from my blog to vlog in other posts, and it's taken some time but I did it!

I recorded about four videos in total and I chose the one I liked best, as I find it quite hard being on screen it took me a few goes to come across the way I want to everyone.

Being a perfectionist is hard, especially when it comes to knowing that people are going to be watching and listening to you (hopefully!) as I don't want to come off as perfect, because that's not who I am. I want to show you guys who I am (this includes my weird side) I also screened my video to two of my closest friends first to see what they thought. Even though I do come off a bit awkward it's just an introduction of myself and what kind of videos I would make. So hopefully it does look ok and that I don't come off as a complete moron!

Please don't take me too seriously, I want to make videos for fun and to document my life, so feel free to laugh at me!

Here it is:

I even got a little bit fancy and made my own thumbnail, so please appreciate how long it took me to finally make a video and edit it! I did leave in some weird bits, and there are cuts and jumps in it as I'm still settling into making videos of myself, it's kind of scary but exciting at the same time!

I'm hoping that soon I will pluck up some more courage and put out videos regularly, as I want to build up my confidence by doing this as well.

If you're interested in watching my videos, I'll be speaking to you very soon!

Love Saffron x


Sunday 6 March 2016

Panic on the Dance Floor

..."But you better not kill the groove"

Hey guys!

The reason for this homage to an old classic by Sophie Ellis Bextor is because recently I went out with my friends, as we do nearly every month. I always look forward to going out with them as we have fun and have a good laugh too, and take lots of pictures and videos to capture our fun. I don't have to worry about getting anxious or panicky around them, because through past events I've subconsciously built trust with my friend group and the anxiety gets shut away so I can just enjoy myself.

But, this time something went wrong.

I did my usual get ready schedule, I start getting ready earlier, I don't rush myself, if I start to feel my heart pounding or light headed, I sit down and take some deep breaths. I did everything right, I even put a little more effort into what I wore, my hair and my make-up, I felt really good about myself. When I asked my lovely housemates if I looked OK they said nothing but compliments, so I  left the house 
ecstatic to show off my look and flaunt my best moves at our favourite club.

We met at our usual pre-drinking pub for cheap drinks and to catch up on gossip, work and all things girly. Got into the club and started requesting Taylor Swift (which is always a must!) got drinks and settled into flailing around like mad people.

I started to realise my heart wasn't 100% into dancing and drinking this night, which made me feel disheartened as usually I'm the member of our group who goes full pelt into drinking and dancing, and not caring what I look like, or if people are watching. All of my problems starting seeping through into the forefront of my mind, not paying attention to the pop songs, or my friends serenading each other. All of my university work, and stress with deadlines, all of the thoughts going through my head that make me severely unhappy.

I kept trying to keep my head up, smile and dance away. But, something pushed me over the edge.

I saw an old work colleague, she accidentally bumped into me and apologised, and I recognised her and started to talk to her. She didn't recognise me and thought I was someone else, she did apologise and say that she was "smashed" so I left her to it. I couldn't help but feel down about someone I worked with a lot, didn't know who I was. However, I carried on the night trying to forget my troubles.

Then, later I saw her dancing with a guy, this wouldn't have been an issue normally, but to my knowledge she was in a relationship. And I have a huge problem with people cheating on their partners, and with guys creeping on girls, in this case a very drunk girl. Something pushed me over the edge here, I started to get hot, started breathing sharply, my eyes were welling up, and I knew I had to get out. I pushed past other clubbers, half ran down the stairs into the garden to the first bench I saw un-attended by anyone and burst into tears and hyperventilating.

This has never happened to me before in a club. It's never happened when I've been with my close friends. What on earth had just happened to me? Why had I been reduced to tears and lack of breath over things that don't seem rational?

I don't know how long I was sat there for, but I ended up drawing attention from some strangers who asked me if I was ok. It turns out I actually sort of knew them which was comforting! They did actually cheer me up and wanted to know what was wrong, and I'm so grateful that they were there.

When I was sitting there by myself as a big crying mess, I knew I wasn't getting any better. The fact that this happened somewhere I'm usually comfortable, and with people I'm comfortable with, means I'm not OK.

I haven't been OK for a while now, and after Christmas I was under the facade that I was feeling better, going to therapy and giving others advice. When I think it was just another phase of denial. With the amount of stress I've been under recently, and the state of my emotions and my brain, I've been off the charts with panic attacks. As I've said previously I don't like saying anxiety, or panic attacks, there are various scales of both. I wouldn't say I had full on attacks, but that I was close, I had two in two weeks. Whereas usually I would only have one in two years.

I had started group therapy sessions for a "panic group" but I've opted for one on one therapy, as I think there's a problem rooted in me, that I want to try harder to sort out. I've only come so far trying techniques myself, with breathing exercises, distractions, fresh air and taking shop bought drugs to prevent getting ill.

As I have no set trigger for my anxiety, I can't try to treat one area of it. Many scenarios can set me off, a crowded place, needing the toilet and not knowing where the closest one is, travelling a long distance, going somewhere new, being late for something, phone calls, talking to people I don't know, stress, confrontation, interviews, presentations, or sometimes I can just be sat down at home and my heart is pounding.

Please let me know if you're feeling the same in the comments! 

I'm not alone and neither are you, I'm just tired of not being in control of myself!

Thanks for reading<3

Saffron x

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