Monday 25 December 2017

Two Years On From "Just Breathe"

Two years ago I wrote a very personal post called Just Breathe talking about my mental health experience at that time. It was Christmas Day 2015.

I was really miserable over the Christmas period which was horrible as I wanted to be happy with my family, but I was bogged down with the horrible events happening in the world, and I had recently been diagnosed with Anxiety.

At this point I'd been blogging on and off for a few years and had created previous blogs. This blog was created for me to be as open and honest as I wanted to be about a whole matter of topics. Little did I know how much I would battle with mental health issues.

I'd actually forgotten about some of the posts I wrote when I was really suffering with anxiety. When the other day I suddenly remembered that it's coming up to two years from a crucial turning point for my blog.

To set some context for Just Breathe, it was Christmas Day. I had been suffering with physical illnesses for sixth months wondering what the cause was. I was in the middle of my second year of university and was getting very stressed about assignments. And I had just figured out that my physical illnesses weren't the root of something physical. It was something wrong with my brain.

I was devastated. There was no quick cure to fix me.

So I turned to my blog, my fairly unused and un-opinionated blog, to spill my mental thoughts in the hopes to make myself better, and that whoever will be reading it as well will not feel so alone.

I felt very alone in the first few months, I didn't understand what was happening and neither did my friends or family. Eventually the more I talked about it, the more I found that there were other people around me who were the exact same. It's very strange to talk to people about your mental health, but it was so beneficial to hear what other people experienced as well.

I also want to talk about how far I've come in the past two years. There's still parts of my mental health and experiences that I don't feel comfortable talking about just yet, but the time will come. Because all I want to do is help and inform others about sensitive topics that we need to address.

I forget that sometimes a good day is being able to get out of bed and get dressed, going to any kind of social event, and let's not forget actually talking to people or having the courage to talk to people.

Or even having a super bad day and crying my eyes out, it means I'm still here and I'm still fighting.

I remember noting down moments when I felt anxious in my cognitive behavioural therapy sessions, and I found some the other day. There were things like making a phone call as I would get anxious about what to say even if it's to someone that I know.

But two years later, I answer calls even if I think it's a sales call (albeit I do still have days where I really don't want to answer the phone, even if it's someone I know). I go to social gatherings without having to do my breathing exercises on the way there and during. I've met up with complete strangers from the internet and have held really in depth conversations with them like we'd been friends for ages. I've managed to have blips of self confidence and gotten myself some unique opportunities (I just wish I had this confidence all the time).

I mentioned to someone on Twitter recently that it's good to note down the positive things that happen, even if it's that I had my favourite coffee with whipped cream on top. I used to put them in a jar with the date on, so that when I was having a bad day, or felt a little down I could pull a piece of paper out and remember what made me happy that day.

We tend to let the bad days and the bad memories define us and take over our lives. I don't want to live that way anymore, I want to remember the good instead of the bad.

Yes I've been through counselling and was discharged, and yes I don't always have anxious moments every day anymore. But it's all still there and sometimes so raw. I never know when it's going to hit me, and I can't always prepare every single situation. But I have the tools to recover and cope. I don't know if there ever will come a time when I'll have a more normal life, but for now I am handling things.

I still have bad days, weeks and months. But I have built a support system and I know when I need a break to pull myself back together. No matter what, your health is important.

As always, if you ever need to talk or ask me questions you know where to find me!

I hope you've all had a lovely Christmas where ever you are.

Love Saffron x


  1. I'm proud of you, you have come a long way. Be proud of yourself. I am so happy to see that you're in a better place now. I hope you have a wonderful christmas! xxx

    Melina |

    1. Thank you so much! I hope you’ve had a lovely Christmas too!

      Love Saffron x

  2. Beautiful post my beautiful friend and remember even the strongest of people come unglued sometimes but by speaking out to loved ones and stranger's is when you truly know you are not alone and overtime bit by bit we are able to put ourselves back together and start living the life we given but in a positive way and start to realise our own self worth. So keep talking writing and communicating my little lady because you truly do have a positive impact on those who have the pleasure of your company and time. Love always me xxx

    1. Thank you so much for writing this, such lovely kind words from a good friend!

      Lots of love from Saffron xxx


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