Checking in With My 2020 Goals...

Before I get into this post, I just want to say that I'm not trying to boast about any achievements, if anything I feel the complete opposite this year, like many of you. I just wanted to write a realistic post of how I started the year with good intentions, and then Covid-19 blew a gale and I struggled to find the pieces left. Wherever you are, and however you are I really hope you're ok. However you have spent this year, was how you were meant to deal with this storm. It does feel like 2020 needs to be remastered, but it allowed a lot of us to chill, to reflect and really think about what we want from the next year.

I can only laugh at My Plans for 2020 post, and the goals I wrote down in my notes app. I know I have the hindsight now to see these plans would be majorly effected. How was I supposed to know that a worldwide pandemic would cancel races, an overseas hen do and halt my job goals. I think the other way of looking at things this year is that, I'm still here. My family and friends and mostly safe and healthy, that's all I can ask for. Anything else is a bonus. 

In the post from January I mentioned keeping up with my fitness. This has been a bit hit and miss for me. I hit some personal bests this year in terms of running distance, pace and I started doing arm workouts. As I have been really trying to connect with myself this year, I have been listening to my body and my mental health. Sometimes this means not forcing myself to do things I don't want to do. I want to enjoy things, and I want to enjoy exercise. Currently I've been taking a bit of a break, but I had been having issues with my sleep for a few months which affected my energy levels. I'm looking forward to getting Christmas out of the way, and planning for a better year with fitness starting from 1st January. I've actually signed up for a virtual running challenge for January. To run 50 miles in that month for Maggie's Centres who provide support for people living with cancer, and their family and friends.

With my reading ambitions, I didn't quite meet my plans of reading a book a month. Currently, I have read two books (Queenie and Midnight Sun), and I'm halfway through one, which albeit I started three years ago...But I'm hoping for a fresh slate for 2021. I have a stack of books I want to read first, most of which are educational and fictional literature from Black Authors. I found that if I really set a book as a reading challenge, I actually reach my goal. For Midnight Sun I divided the amount of pages by days in that month, it made it seem far more achievable and I think I actually read it all within a week! *pauses for applause* Before the year is up, I think I need to be more tactical with my reading challenges until it becomes more natural to pick up a book. 

Writing has actually been a positive for me this year. Halfway through Lockdown 1.0 I pushed up my sleeves and told myself to actually start applying for writing work, and pitching ideas. It turned out I had just been talking about doing this for over two years. When I realised this I had a new sense of urgency. Through this, I have a little cheat sheet with contacts to pitch to and how to lay out my pitches. Whilst I'm yet to be officially commissioned (watch this space in 2021), I did find MindMapper. A start up tech company aimed at helping young adults with mental health issues find the resources and community they need. I am one of a small team of amazing writers, honestly these guys are all doing amazing things and I feel like such a small fish to them (insert imposter syndrome here). Currently, our contracts are voluntary which has been fine by me. MindMapper has been a constant for me each week with our weekly brainstorms and check in sessions, and has allowed me to flex my writing muscles. 

Money money money eh? Since I started my obsession with spending back in 2013, it feels like that was all I thought about. Spending money vs oh-my-gosh-I-have-no-money-send-help. In April this year, I was officially debt free. I was out of my overdraft in January, and paid off my car in April. I actually cried when I saw I was out of my overdraft, and by a large margin. I didn't know what to make of that feeling. Other than I knew that there had been a big shift within me. I was fighting against the unhealthy habits and thoughts in my brain. Whilst it's still early days, and I've had some small and some not-so-small relapses, it's all been fixable. I actually have a savings account...with money in it. Like the most I've ever saved up by myself. I had to hit pause a few times whilst I got my main account back to zero, and fixing car stuff but I have left that savings balance alone. Which I've said for a few months is a win in itself. I need to check my budget for the rest of December, and what I need for January before my next pay day, but I'm pretty sure I can still reach my projected savings goal. Despite my slip ups this year, I can still do it. This will then put me in a good place to exceed this progress for next year.

I think it's important to note, that even if you don't tick everything off your list or your yearly goals, that sometimes it means that it's in progress. Progress it better than nothing. My whole tidy room, tidy mind is definitely a huge work in progress. I don't know how much I've talked about it on here, but over two and half years ago I moved into my boyfriends house; into my boyfriends already cramped loft room. There was very little space and I've had to squeeze in my bits and bobs. It's so easy to make our room messy, because there's a lack of storage for two grown adults, but we move. Connor and I try to regularly go through our things, have little clear outs and see what we can do to make our space more easy on the eyes. Part of my current project is that I took out a lot of my excess things to my Dad's (where I store a fair few things, as I used to stay there two nights a week before Covid-19 hit), and focus on using up what I have and not over buying products and stationary. 

*Laughs maniacally and hysterically* Boy, I wanted to have such plans for 2020 and it really did slap me in my stupid face. I was so lucky to have been able to do our anniversary trip to New York in January, and I'm so grateful we were able to go. I really wanted Connor and I to have more staycations this year to places in the countryside, or explore other cities in the UK. We had almost planned for a trip to Cornwall, but with work commitments, finance being tight and the back and forth with Covid restrictions pushed that off the table. Which is fine, we swapped that for more quality couple time. Because of lockdown, we made use of our daily walks, when restrictions kept getting lifted we started to explore other places near us for relaxing forest walks. We have spent a lot more time together this year, and that is down to me having a different job, not working as much because I'm out of debt, and actually lockdown forcing us to spend time together. Ok, that sounds super negative. Connor and I are very hard working people, and often get stuck in that "hustle" and "daily grind" bubble. Covid popped and let us actually hang out and watch films/TV shows together. 

I want to say thank you to Meg and Damian from MindMapper, for one seeing something in me and bringing me into their writing team. For two, our monthly one to one's where they ask me about my goals, and help me get there. I had long forgotten about these during the pandemic, and it was really helpful to have someone else go through these and hold me accountable. All of these "goals" were red at the beginning of the year, and now most of them are yellow and I actually have some green in there too. 

Usually I do a post of my goals for the next year, but I'm so apprehensive over what 2021 will look like for all of us. I'll still write a list of goals, big or small but I'm going to keep them to myself for the moment. Instead I'll write a more mindful mental health post, something helpful for me to look back on, but also for you; my readers.

📸 by Connor Cleary in The New Forest

How to Have an Online Detox

As I mentioned in my Where Have I Been? post, I had to do a big online detox for the sake of my mental health. In this post I'm not going to delve into what caused me to take this action, this post is designed to help others do the same.

I initially was just going to take one week off. I had done this in October 2019, I was feeling triggered by certain posts online so came off without warning. I felt so much better, and had a clearer head after doing this, that I still have changed the way I use social media to this day. I just had not done enough. Since last year, I turned off notifications from social media apps so that when I pick up my phone I'm not bombarded with notifications; I find it sometimes very overwhelming.

1. Pick a duration for your detox

I have previously found that a week is a good amount of time, I just think it depends on the circumstances for the break. In both cases for me I had variations of mental/emotional breakdowns, however my most recent episode was very strong; therefore needing more time away. In the end I spent one month completely away from social media.

2. Delete all social media apps from your phone (check that you've backed up apps like WhatsApp to easily reinstall later)

For this to really work you need to delete them all. If you're worried about certain people needing to contact you, then inform them that you won't be accessible via that platform and perhaps then contact them just through text messages. Remember, that part of this is being away from your phone, so it might be good not to have it blowing up every few minutes. Pick your key people. I only let one friend know beforehand because I spoke to them the most, and saw them almost weekly. I didn't want to message everyone, because I didn't want everyone to know how much I was struggling. I didn't want questions or sympathy, I just needed time.

3. Stop news notifications

I found that the onslaught of Covid-19, Lockdown updates and US news was frying my brain. It's information that is easy to obtain within a few seconds, but I've tried to keep it all at an arms length. There's many worldwide events and movements that I'm invested in (for example Black Lives Matter and the protests in Nigeria), but I needed to fix myself before I could help and support those causes. 

4. Resist the urge to head over to social media platforms on computers or other devices 

I am the worst for procrastinating during work, and quickly opening a new tab and heading over to Twitter to scroll for 20-30 minutes, losing precious productivity. I am so happy that I have resisted this old habit, and I have been so much more productive; I spent a good week applying for 20+ jobs and researching either for jobs. 

Even after I checked my messages on my social accounts, I did a really soft return to social media. I didn't want to have a relapse straight away and be back at square one. Even now, I'm getting better at scrolling past negative and triggering posts. Not letting that energy take over my brain. I'm just about ready to come back to my activism, my heart and mind has never been as heavy as this year. I really want to try and give as much support to causes I care about, and help the fight for true equality. 

With the festive season upon us, I think it's a really important time to have an online detox. Whether that's the week over Christmas, or just the day itself. It's so damaging to compare your Christmas with others, especially when we might not be with our families at all this year. Personally, I'm either going to be offline for the whole day, or I might just post photos with Connor and his family, and our Christmas meal; nice and easy wholesome content. 

Let me know if you've done something like this before, or if you're willing to give one a go! Honestly, there's nothing like a clear social-media-free mind. You can't buy that kind of clarity.

Stay safe x

Where Have I Been?

Some of you may have noticed, some of you might be like "you were gone? gone where?". Well, half way through October my mental health finally caved in. I knew throughout the first lockdown that I was struggling, but I didn't really have any signs or symptoms. It wasn't until around August that I could feel myself snapping at small things, having emotional breakdowns whilst at work and starting to feel physical symptoms of anxiety. Most of my anxious thoughts were in my head from January, and I think I had no idea what was happening in 2020 so I couldn't process these worries.

I feel like the beginning of the pandemic was the earthquake, and now I'm feeling the aftershock. 

Shot by Connor Cleary at Durdle Door during my break in October

There was nothing special about the day where I completed broke. I woke up as usual, a bit groggy but nothing out of the ordinary. I had been wanting to start writing down my moods and emotions since I had been feeling extremely angry and anxious a lot, so I began to write a mixture of positive and negative events and feelings. Whilst doing this I started to feel off. My body just didn't feel quite right. I had to start doing deep controlled breaths, but the panic was already there. I began to feel queazy, thinking I might actually throw up. I felt hot and claustrophobic, although I was in a spacious room on my own with easy access to open the windows. I headed to the bathroom because I knew something was wrong. A few days prior to this I had been worrying that I had anxious IBS symptoms, and on this day I was granted my answer. I don't often get my IBS symptoms unless there's a particular nervous occasion; like a job interview. 

Of all the places to finally have a huge breakdown, the toilet would not be my first choice. My depression and anxiety finally took over my mind and body. I was crying, shaking, struggling to breathe and my head hurt so much. I knew I wasn't alone in the house and I did not want an audience so I had to try and keep my sobs and gasps of breath quiet, which is super hard when you've lost all control of yourself. Once I managed to get off the toilet I curled up in the bed; a safe comfy place to try and calm down. I needed something comforting so I popped Gilmore Girls on the TV. I could feel myself start to slowly float back down to earth. Trying to comprehend what the hell happened and why. Before my episode I had texted Connor so say I wasn't feeling well, and I wasn't sure why. He was out working, and I don't normally message him stuff like this when he's at work, but I was alone and worried. He called me up when travelling to another job to see what was wrong. I was still extremely fragile and I didn't really want to get into it. Over the years Connor has really tried to understand my mental health, and has been a huge part of my support network. However, now was not a great time for his questions and lack of understanding. The whole phone call ended up being very triggering and my episode turned into a two parter. I was just wailing on the phone and not getting anywhere. I knew I had to end the call if I had any hope of recovering quickly.

I returned to controlled deep breaths and trying to clear my mind of everything that made me lose my mind.

What happened? I hear you ask.

If I had to draw a timeline, I'd say I still had a lot of loose ends from my cognitive behavioural therapy sessions back in 2016. The therapy was amazing and really helped me get back on my feet, but unfortunately as a free service the course had an expiration date. I had learned coping mechanisms and unlearned unhealthy behaviours, but I hadn't really learned how to look after myself and how to check in with my mental health. I had a lot of traumatic things happen between 2015 and 2016 and they really did a number on me.

As I threw myself into my university work and getting a job when I graduated, I was just refocussing my brain and distracting it. When I was made redundant in April 2019, again I threw myself into getting another job and having money to pay my bills and get out of debt. I never really processed the redundancy, and cracks in my emotions and mental health started to show a little while into these new jobs. So much so that I had a breakdown in the first week of a new job, and had to take the whole weekend off work because I was struggling and was so overwhelmed. I am not someone who likes to call in sick. Even after this, I continued to shut off my emotions. I told myself I didn't have time to crumble, I didn't have time to tune into what was going on with me. That it was the best course of action for me.

Wrong. That's the worst thing I could do.

All I was doing by putting everything in crammed boxes in my brain, and pushing them to the furthest side, was letting the problems brew longer. Letting them multiply until they finally burst out at the most inconvenient moment. When actually I need to set aside time, pick a box and begin to organise and process its contents. Being aware of what's in those boxes is far more healthier than being ignorant. Still I did not put this into practise. I changed jobs, and kept my head down whilst I proved my worth and got myself out of my overdraft. 

In January of this year, we all started to pay attention to the coronavirus outbreak in China. When I saw this news, I knew immediately that this was not good. I've only lived through two similar events; bird flu and swine flu. Both of which were quite mild in the end, but I remember it taking over our lives and taking hand sanitiser everywhere. Yet we all carried on going to school and work, nothing stopped. I was worried that Connor and I weren't going to be able to go to New York; should we wear masks? Can we cancel? Well, there's no reported cases so it must be ok, right? To my knowledge we were fine, but I remember being very conscious of touching surfaces and making sure we sanitised, just in case. When we got back a fellow Brit arrived in the UK from France the same day, just a different airport. This man unknowingly had infected his group on holiday and tested positive when he arrived back. I couldn't believe how close I felt to it. But it was all fine, not our airport, no symptoms. 

When I started obsessively checking the news at the beginning of the year, I noticed that my eating habits started to rise. More binge eating, snacking and pudding intake was on the rise. Usually I'd just give myself some time, get it out of my system. However, my appetite didn't seem to be slowing down. After awhile, I put it down to stress eating. I was subconsciously really stressed about this virus, and was eating as a coping mechanism. I remember when we started to have more and more cases being reported, that I'd look around at work and in public spaces. People were just walking around like normal? But there was a pandemic unraveling? I started to try and leave plenty of space between myself and others, not touch door handles and wash my hands a lot more (not that I was an unclean person before). I began to social distance from my parents as a precaution because I did not want to be a part of the spread. I wasn't scared about catching it at this point, I just didn't want to feel responsible for passing it onto vulnerable people. 

On 23rd March, the prime minister announced an immediate national lockdown and I was officially terrified. This was now serious in the eyes of our nation, and many others. All of a sudden five adults were mostly confined to our house (with the exception of work or exercise). Usually we all come and go because of varying schedules, but now the house felt very small and cramped. Trying to find a space to unwind became more difficult. I could feel my mind on edge because of all of the uncertainty, and having no answers. It did not help that for the majority of the week I'd be at work with around 50+ colleagues, and sometimes not able to maintain social distancing and at the time; no masks. Being so afraid of other humans and trying to picture in my head two shopping trolleys to see if there's appropriate distance. Running in the road and holding my breath as I pass pedestrians. Recoiling when anyone outside of my household tries to touch me. All of this was chipping away at me. I had no physical symptoms of anxiety, but I could feel it there, just below the surface. We're good friends, basically family so I know it quite well now. Just not well enough to know how to stop it. 

Lockdown came and went, restrictions were lifted. I gladly saw friends and family following the rules, however feeling very drained and feeling anxious, but only temporarily. I'd sometimes limit how much I'd socialise in a week, to stop this drained feeling. 

Then, the outbursts started. At work I could feel myself getting irate and a bit irrational, I could feel myself on the verge of hulking out. Of course I'd try and use my rational voice to calm down, I don't want to actually have a violent outburst whether it's verbal, punching or kicking objects. I'd have to take myself off for an impromptu toilet break to neutralise. On the opposite spectrum for me, was emotional breakdowns. Almost for no reason bursting into tears uncontrollably for lengths of time. As I started to lose count of these episodes, I knew something more was coming. I didn't know what, or when but I could see a huge breakdown on the horizon and I couldn't change paths. When talking to my lovely MindMappers we rate how we are on a scale of 1-10, and I kept finding that I had been at 4/5 for quite a while. In limbo. Not ever really feeling consistently happy, but not always feeling down either; neutral. Knowing that all over the world we were all feeling the same uncertainty, people suffering and being scared. We are all united in this one horrible event. Yet no one knows the way out. I thought that maybe it would help, knowing I wasn't alone. But knowing that no one can help, or have any answers just made me feel worse. 

A few weeks before my major breakdown, I downloaded Headspace and started to make fairly regular time to meditate, just take some time out for myself and breathe. I really enjoy meditation, but I'm terrible at sticking with things. I also think it was too little too late. I was grasping at straws to try and mend the wreckage in my brain.

During my episode I was overwhelmed with thoughts of: Covid-19, Black Lives Matter, our bumbling government making terrible decision after terrible decision, my less than ideal job, not having a house, a handful of health problems all running through my brain and frying it like an egg. I was focussed on all of them at once, and it was like multiple people were shouting inside my head. It felt like my head was going to EXPLODE. All rationale had gone out the window. I had lost myself. I hadn't felt like this in so long, so weak and small. Fragile. One blow of air and I would shatter.

One of the biggest, immediate things I wanted to do was to come completely offline for a period of time. I had been struggling with the bombardment of horrible events, negative and bitchy posts everywhere, everyone fighting with each other online and looking for arguments. I had done a social media break before for a week last year, and it did wonders for clearing my head. At this time my head was a deep thick fog, so I didn't second guess this decision. All social media apps were deleted: Facebook, Messenger, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat and WhatsApp (I realised too late that I didn't back up my messages and that I couldn't access this on my computer; idiot). I also turned off news notifications and avoided it whenever possible. I have a post coming all about my whole online detox. 

The thing I hadn't planned, was being offline for a month. No, you don't need to adjust your screens; I said one month. I don't think I've ever been offline for that long since before social media was created. It's really been a blessing and I definitely needed more than a week, I reckon I would've had a relapse shortly after. I am not ready for another one, I do not have the energy to keep dragging myself out of this dark pit. Depression and anxiety separately are awful, but together it's an even more monstrous cocktail. In this time away I've had a lot more time to think, to assess my life and make changes for the better. This may include a complete rebrand across my blog and social media (possible post to follow).

I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon, but my habits with social media need to change. I've always been very susceptible to the negative side of social media, and I need to do more to look after myself. After giving some time to recover from my breakdown, from the bad news of my car's MOT and an eye injury (yeah bad stuff tends to happen all at once for me) I've been trying to work out things to keep me grounded, and in check with my mental and physical health. I started doing yoga before bed thanks to the #21DayChallenge with the MindMapper crew and it was so refreshing to set myself some time each day just for me. 

I'm going to continue with certain activities, and I'll do a write up if I find that they've helped - because they might just help someone else too. 

This post turned out to be much longer than expected, but I wanted to give a good insight into why I've been quiet online and hopefully you can relate to my experience as well. You are not alone, there are plenty of people out here to help.

My Favourite Etsy Shops for Christmas Shopping | Blogmas

I think like most people, this year I really utilised Etsy and all of the amazing small businesses that have set up shop there. I'm always looking for new shops to buy from whether it's a little treat for me, or shopping for presents. There's something for everyone on Etsy. I've rounded up some of my favourite shops in time for Christmas! 

By The Seaside

This shop has actually been created by one of my close friends; Sofia. I'm so proud of her, and have loved seeing her business grow and develop. I have bought plenty of amazing scented wax melts for presents for friends and family members, there's a scent for every one and they look so cute. By The Seaside is always improving how they can be more environmentally friendly, with recyclable packaging; what's more to love?

Favourite item: Soy Wax Melts Custom Gift Box

AlicexLizzy

I found a lot of small businesses through Twitter this year, and I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw AlicexLizzy's gorgeous homemade clay earrings. I love the variety of designs and sizes, I have quite small lobes and was glad to see sizes to suit me. Since finding her store several months ago I have definitely expanded my collection of clay earrings.

Favourite item: Clay Earrings Christmas Bundle

Ugly Lines Art

Again, I know the talented owner of this shop. Connor has both an Etsy shop for his uniquely hand drawn artwork, and another online shop for Football prints and accessories. I love that this shop has diverse products depending on your tastes, from sport to notable actors and my local Spinnaker Tower. 

Favourite item: The Din-Naker Tower Print 

Holly Emily Designs

I found Holly Emily Designs when browsing for presents, and I have my eye on a few items...You've got Christmas decorations, presents and products for everyday use. I'm also a sucker for personalised options on gifts, this shop has all kinds of items you can add a personal touch to.

Favourite item: Rainbow Ceramic Bauble Decoration

Dunbar Print

If you're looking for prints, I love this shop. There's a variety of memorable location prints, sassy fun quotes and even custom lyrics to jazz up your home. 

Favourite item: Met, Engaged and Married Print

Hello Marilu Studio

I found this shop when looking for Christmas decorations, and love the gorgeous baubles pictured above and found lots more interesting items. There is something for everyone whether it's Christmassy items, prints, and plant pots. 

Favourite item: Bauble Brush Lettering Craft Kit

YR Candles

This time of year is perfect to add a few new additions to your candle collection. There's nothing cosier than getting wrapped up in blankets, popping a comfort film on and having the subtle flicker of a candle with your favourite scent filling the room. This store has so many different scents that I wouldn't have thought of before. Reading on a Rainy Day is perfect for book worms and it wouldn't be Christmas without the smell of gingerbread.

Favourite item: Christmas Gingerbread Candle

Twin Moon Supply

Have a huge Disney fan in your family? This shop is your answer. Whether they've visited the Disney Parks or are major fans yet to visit, these patches and prints are perfect for them.

Favourite item: Attraction A4 Art Prints

I'd love to have some more recommendations for your favourite Etsy shops, leave them in the comments and let me know which of the above you like!

An Evening at Koop + Craft | AD PR Event

I was delighted to see on the Pompey Bloggers page that Koop + Kraft were hosting an event to try some of their food and drinks. I had actually only ever heard of the restaurant from fellow blogger Kat, she posts about a lot of local restaurants and events - definitely go and check her blog out! My excitement levels were very high from seeing Kat's posts.

Located just on London Road, Waterlooville it's a lovely location just outside of the town centre. The restaurant has a nice cosy feel to it, with aesthetic lights dotted around. I really loved the kooky pattern on the wall pictured above. There are mostly several semi circle booths, which is great for social distancing and keeping to your party, but also enables you to see and talk to everyone. I ended up sharing a booth with Jacob from The Eats Sheets as all of the evening's food was for sharing (I know, I wish I didn't have to share food either) but actually there was too much for the both of us! 

When I saw K+K's rather large drinks menu, I had no idea what I wanted. There's local spirits, so many cocktails and mocktails as well as your usual beers and soft drinks. I went for the Isle of Wight Distillery - Mermaid Pink Gin with lemonade, and my word it was delicious. I've had a few variations of pink gin, and after awhile you start thinking most of them taste the same. But not this one. It had an ever so slight extra sweet fruity flavour to it. I saw a few of the other guests have a Sunrise Sour that is made with a ball of smoke that you can pop before you drink it - I kind of wish I ordered one for myself, but the gin did hit the spot.

I wasn't sure just how much food was on offer for the evening, but when the waitresses started bring over dish after dish, I knew we were in for a challenge. Above we had Chicken Wings, Cheesy Fries, Halloumi Fries, Curry Fries, Cheesy Garlic Bread, more Halloumi Fries, Dirty Fries and Buttermilk Chicken Tenders. A carb lovers dream. I think I've only ever had buttermilk chicken in burgers or BBQ stacks in big chain restaurants. It was nice to read about the process that K+K do to create their buttermilk, and really experience the taste on it's own. It has a very distinct flavour, I was expecting the taste and texture to be similar of southern fried chicken, instead of the outer coating sliding off the chicken in a greasy way, it stays softly to the chicken. I found it to be more of a softer eating experience.

Then we had two halves of two burgers; Cheese Please and Bacon and Black, yup you read that right. "Black" as in black pudding. I was sceptical too. I don't think I've ever had black pudding before, and to be honest I had been put off trying it. However, I thought I'm at a nice event with free food so what's the harm? At first I really couldn't taste much difference, then I asked Jacob what it's supposed to taste like. He described it as a sort of peppery spicy flavour, then I noticed that I could taste it and it wasn't what I expected at all! In a good way. Both burgers were so delicious. 

And some people might call dessert the most exciting part of a meal, I must admit I am one of those people. I bloody love a dessert and I don't care who hears it. I will always make room for pudding. Boy, was I happy to see Churros come out on that platter. Partnered with Deep Fried Oreo's and Kinder Bueno Bites. I had never seen or heard of anyone deep fry an Oreo, but it was amazing. I loved that it was picky puddings, as they felt "lighter" and you had the chance to try a bit of everything.

I had such a lovely evening, the staff were really friendly and helpful and it was great to meet George - the owner as well. I will definitely be back to try more sides and burgers, they also have a variation of classic meals as well as burgers. If you are vegan or veggie, there are options for you as well. I also just saw that they make some tasty looking milkshakes, and one in my favourite flavour at the moment...Biscoff. Since lockdown restrictions have been lifted (sort of) it's been so nice to explore more local independent restaurants and new food. 

Thank you so much to Koop + Kraft for having me, your food and drink were absolutely amazing and I can't wait to introduce more people to the restaurant! Also thank you for the wonderful goodie bag of freebies and discounts for independent and local businesses (Make Up By Hope, Village Gym, Time 4 Nutrition, Prepped By Koop, Elle's Salon, Graceful Scents, Valerie Rose, Gym Buddy, Lixir Drinks and HMS Spirits)

*This opportunity was gifted as a free experience to try some of K+K's menu, all words and opinions are my own, with no obligation to post a positive review. 

Getting the Chop for The Little Princess Trust

 

If you know me, you will probably have realised my long hair has been a part of my identity for quite a few years. I rarely ever go short or medium length, because it's my security blanket and my most beloved accessory. Where I've been working in retail I mostly have my hair up when I work, to keep it out of my face and to prevent myself pulling on it. I realised over Lockdown that it had gotten extremely long; I had been struggling to put my hair up in one of my easy buns, due to it's length. It got me thinking; "what could I do with this mane, but also could I use it to help others?". I've always tried to be a charitable person, and help where I can. But I could do more. More donations and more fundraisers. Since my last major chop back in 2011, I have seen many women cutting off their hair for The Little Princess Trust. Yes, my hair is long enough to give a good donation, but it is in no way healthy enough to donate. TLPT ask for a minimum of 7 inches of hair up to 16 inches of hair. It needs to be healthy, no split ends/damage and natural colour or the same "natural" dye. My hair is also multi-coloured because of previous bleach, brown dye, red dye and whatever the sun bleaches it to.

I was disappointed that I couldn't actually donate my hair for wigs to help children who've been through cancer. They are always after donations, and I imagine it's a really hefty job to go through the donations, modify the hair to make the best wigs to make a child smile. I thought the least I could do is raise money for this charity so they can either use it for wigs or research into cancer. I set myself a small goal of £100 because I don't personally do a lot of fundraising, I wanted something achievable otherwise I'd feel let down, and that I'd let the charity down. At the time of this posting the donations come to £135, which I was ecstatic over.

When deciding how much to cut off, I thought 10 inches was a good number to try and get people interested and involved in my fundraising. I even umm-ed and ahh-ed if I went shorter would I have any quality hair to donate, but I think a lot of it is damaged from not being looked after, and as previously mentioned too many different colours. Oops. In my fundraising photo I roughly drew where I was having the chop, and just seeing it even just as a drawn line was scary for me. I have quite irrational haircut "anxiety" (I don't know if this is actually a thing). Any sort of change or drastic change; I freak out. I wanted these changes, and imagine them for quite a while. I don't do anything impulsively. After I get these new cuts and dyes, it takes me a while to get used to seeing the new change. In past times I've had a little cry to myself, but then a few days later I'll love it. 

The day of the cut; Friday 14th August.

I washed and brushed my long hair one last time. Sad to see it go, but also happy for a new change. Fae is my hairdresser and we were both excited for this (Fae is mobile and you can also find her at Wispers). I had also decided to go back in time to 2014 and get a fringe again, as well as have a new colour; darker brown mixed with warm tones. The first thing we did was the chop. Fae took chunks off and asked if it was ok, it did feel a lot shorter but I felt I could go a tad further after dyeing. When the dye was done, and my hair dried I assessed the outcome so far. It still looked quite long, but technically short for me and my previous 29 inches of hair. We took some after photos and when I got out my measuring tape Fae said we were at 21 inches, not the 19 inches I had promised everyone. Although the idea of going even shorter was terrifying, I had to keep my morals and have the other two inches off. I went back to the chair and nervously waited for Fae to stop snipping away until we hit 19 inches. I just kept telling myself it was all for a good cause and it'd grow back if I didn't like it.

I forget how different a fresh cut and a good chop feels like. Your hair becomes all bouncy and full of life again. It feels all silky from the new dye. Plus I always love having my hair styled after a trip to the hairdressers! Then it was all over. My old identity laying on the ground beneath my chair, a new colour and fringe that takes me back half a decade. Plus a lovely donation for The Little Princess Trust. It definitely makes me want to look after my hair, not just because you should, but so I can do this again with longer and healthier hair to donate for wigs.

At the moment my Just Giving Page is still open if you are able to donate! Anything will do to help an amazing cause.

Thank you x

Links to information and social media pages:

The Little Princess Trust

Fae's Instagram

Wispers Instagram

25 Things I've Learned Before Turning 25

Hello it's my birthday! 

The big 25. It's a bit weird to think I'm now the equivalent to a quarter of a century...And also edging ever so closer to 30. I'm trying not to worry about it because life happens. To enjoy the moments that I do have. I thought now is a good a time to do one of these "lessons learned" things. I love reading other people's posts, because we all have different journeys that means we all learn slightly different things. 

Well here's what I've learned so far (and probably missing a few but my memory is awful lol)...

Taken by Connor Cleary

1. You can have different friendships of varying qualities, you don't have to be best friends with everyone.

2. Treat yourself like a plant, you need watering, feeding and sunlight - but also exercise...so maybe like a dog?

3. You don't need to wash your hair everyday. It's too much effort and is bad for your hair.

4. You are the only one in control of your happiness, don't push that responsibility onto anyone else.

5. When you feel like you're going to explode with anger, take a minute and breathe. Let your rational thoughts have time to surface. You don't have to react to everything right away.

6. There is no set path for life, everyone's is different. So stop comparing.

7. Stop living month to month, prepare for the future.

8. Even though having a skincare routine and moisturising your body is a hassle, it's worth it and you'll feel great afterwards.

9. Only buy one extra of essential items. There's no need to clutter cupboards and drawers.

10. You can really do it if you put your mind to it. JUST DO IT.

11. Take breaks from social media, I promise you no one will even notice that you've gone.

12. Sing and dance your heart out in your car, if you don't make eye contact with anyone it's like no one can see you.

13. There's always another side to a story. 

14. Believe in second chances, but always be careful.

15. SPF moisturiser is a game changer.

16. Always make time for self care, whether that's reading, meditation, exercise or face masks, it will make you feel more human. 

17. Family is important. Make time for your loved ones, get off that couch and go grab a coffee with them.

18. It's ok to say no to social events, sometimes it's best not to force yourself to go out.

19. The fear of missing out (FOMO) is ridiculous, only go somewhere that you really want to go.

20. Laughter is the best medicine, be it if it's from a comedy, funny video or out laughing with friends.

21. To do lists are a lifesaver, and really help you stay on stop of things.

22. If you can do it today, do it. Save tomorrow-you the task, you never know what tomorrow will bring.

23. Actions speak louder than words. There are plenty of nice words to say to people, but if you prove it in actions, it's priceless. 

24. Don't be afraid of ageing, it's a blessing to have the opportunity to grow old.

25. Be humble, sometimes you have to realise there's so much more than you in this world.

I hope you've enjoyed my post, I still have plenty in the works (I know even I'm tired of hearing this from me). I have had a lot of little projects going on so certain things have had to take a break but I will be getting more posts out on a semi-regular basis!

What's on your list of things you've learned? 

I Am An Ally | Black Lives Matter Portsmouth Protest

Peaceful protest organised by Stand Up to Racism Portsmouth

Over the past week a lot of events have unfolded in the UK and around the world. Everyone's been cooped up and on edge in lockdown. My timeline of hearing about some of the events went like this: Amy Cooper using her white privilege against an African American man in Central Park (US), George Floyd murdered by a police officer in Minneapolis (US), Ahmaud Arbery shot whilst jogging (US), police officers killed Breonna Taylor with eight shots to the chest in a drug raid - they had the wrong house (US), and Belly Mujinga passing from Covid-19 after a member of public claiming to have the virus, spat and coughed at her and her colleague (UK).  

As some of you may know, this is not the correct timeline of events. Whilst the media across the world has been consumed with the current pandemic, these horrific acts of violence have taken place since the end of February. I heard about the Central Park birding incident on Tuesday 26th May first, and was so angry at seeing the video footage (of a middle class white woman threatening an African American man by calling the police, because her dog was off the leash in a bird sanctuary where it was illegal). I couldn't believe that this woman had the balls to feign distress on a 911 call, of which could end in this man getting attacked or assaulted by police. We've all seen evidence of this before on the news, police hear a black male may have a weapon or may be a suspect and they adapt the "shoot first ask questions later" approach. Luckily, in that case no one was harmed (except the dog being practically choked by his owner as she still had not put the dog back on the lead). I was already high on emotions, and then the next day I saw the video of George Floyd (he passed away on Monday 25th May). Pinned down by an officer Derek Chauvin's knee, handcuffed and unable to breathe. This lasted for nine minutes until he was unconscious or near death.

Everyone became outraged as the video and news coverage made the rounds. Rightly so. The four police officers involved knew they were being recorded, and it didn't phase them or make them change their behaviour. At the time of writing this all four officers have been fired from the police department, and they are all facing various charges in connection with George's murder.

In the following days #blacklivesmatter rose to the forefront to use these unfortunate events to again bring around our attention to the unjust treatment of black people and people of colour. It's been nearly seven years since BLM was founded, because of the tragic death of Trayvon Martin by George Zimmerman of which he served zero time. It does not feel like it's been seven years, but I imagine for black people who have to see and suffer from acts of racism daily, it feels like forever.

People around the world have snapped. They want change. They want laws. They want justice. Too many people have died, especially at the hands of police and not had the justice they deserve. They are supposed to be here to protect us, not kill us. Not be judge, jury and executioner. You might be sitting there thinking "well it only happens in America", you would be very wrong. Racism isn't just calling someone a racial slur, or abusing someone because of their skin colour. There are also micro aggressions that can affect black people from day to day. This all builds up to a misconception of black people and people of colour.

The Protest - Thursday 4th June 2020 1:00pm

I had seen and heard of various protests being set up around the country for George Floyd, but also for everything that happens on our own soil. If you think the British people are just protesting for America, then you are clearly blind to the events and treatment of black people here. I thought about this a lot, and was nervous to go. I've been very vocal about following all of the government rules during lockdown, but I made the decision to join in the protest (which we are well within our rights to do) to show my support as an ally. I got myself a fabric face mask (so I can wash and re-use it) and approached the protest apprehensively, as I wasn't sure what it'd be like. I've never been to a protest before. For the whole hour or so leading up to the protest my anxiety levels were through the roof. When I parked up near the city centre and put my mask on, it got worse. The fact that my mouth and nose were now covered up made me feel claustrophobic. I tried to keep as calm as possible as I knew I was slightly overreacting.

When I joined the back of the protest in Portsmouth Guildhall, I could see that everyone was socially distanced and it wasn't overcrowded. There were two police officers (wearing some pretty hefty blue vests, potentially stab proof) on bicycles interacting with some of the attendees. I heard one say "you alright?" to a middle aged gentleman behind me, I turned and heard him say "oh well it's not very aesthetic is it? Lots of white people here" to which the officer replied "well that's a good thing isn't it?". The officer is right. Not just black people had to attend to fight for their rights and their voice, white people have a job to do as well. It was good to see that so many people from all races and backgrounds came to show their support. With so many variants of messages on signs. Almost everyone had face masks on and was social distancing (obviously it's unclear whether small groups were from the same household but they kept to themselves).

Portsmouth Guildhall knelt in complete silence

I was born and raised in Portsmouth for around five years before moving off the island, but I still attended school in Portsmouth for another year or so. It's always been a multi-cultural place to me, with people from all races and backgrounds. I saw their race, their religion and I saw them as human beings. I played with them in the playgrounds regardless; how were they any different to me? Admittedly this observation is partially incorrect. That's just how I saw it as a five year old. I didn't and still don't judge people on their race or religion. I judge people on their actions. We need a better education system, to teach us about our differences; but not to treat people differently because of it. This is everything that I'm learning now. As a twenty four year old white woman. This is what I heard from the passionate speakers at this protest. Yes, I was shocked when I saw a police officer in America kill a man with his knee. Yes, I was shocked to hear how justice is not always served in these cases. Yes, I was shocked to hear the truths of racism and abuse received in my hometown. I didn't want it to be true. The city that I grew up in, the city that I'm from was racist? People getting beaten up, turned away from job interviews because of the colour of their skin? On my doorstep?! No, this isn't right.

Here are some notable moments from the speakers that stuck with me:

"We are told to go back to our country when you brought us here, you took us from our country and made us slaves, profited from us. Now you want us to go back to where we came from?"

"Please stop touching my hair"

"Portsmouth has the highest rates of stop and search by police in Hampshire"

"I'm 14 and I'm having to stand here and fight"

"Where is the love?"

"I got beaten up for being the only black person at school"

"This girl kicked me, so I kicked her back. Guess who got in trouble"

"When I was younger and I pictured myself as an adult, I saw a white blonde woman. I made all of my Mii characters white, blonde with blue eyes."

"My hair is damaged from chemicals trying to straighten my hair to fit in"

"You look more white with straight hair"

"I didn't see another black person until I was seven years old."

There were so many passionate, angry and upset people speaking. It really moved me and helped me try and understand what it's like to live in this part of the country as a black person. I had no idea. I was so confused and outraged at what had been done or said to them. One of the men was technically a white British male, but has black skin. His parents are both white, his siblings are white. He grew up in the area I'm living in now, a mostly white middle class populated area. He's thirty years old now, and at the time he was born the world was even more backwards than it is now. We keep thinking we are "woke", we aren't. We might be more now, as more people are standing up and speaking out about this. We need to keep it moving and enforce change. This is a movement, not a trend. Posting black squares on Instagram had good intentions but drowned out the black voices, and it means nothing if you don't try to change. If you don't try to challenge not just your own, but other people's behaviour and language. This is an every day battle for black people, and we need to make it everyone's battle for equality.

We all have experienced fear in this pandemic. Fear of leaving the house and catching Covid-19, and scared to get within two metres of another human being. Imagine what it's been like for black people having that feeling every single day. Not feeling safe, ever.

It's time for change, it's time to educate and it's time for equality.

No justice, no peace.

Helpful resources, petitions and fundraising:

Black Lives Matter
Justice for George Floyd (if you need a zip code for petitions use 90015)
Daughter of George Floyd Fund
Memorial Fund For George Floyd
Glamour: How to Support Black Lives Matter
Glamour: How To Be a White Ally
Glamour: Racism in 2020
The Trayvon Martin Law
Justice for Breonna Taylor
Justice for Ahmaud Arbery
Justice for Belly Mujinga

*All photos used in this post were safely taken by me.

Budgeting for NYC Whilst in Debt

I decided last summer that Connor and I were going to go on holiday for our anniversary in January, because I wanted to work towards something exciting, and to truly celebrate our ten years together. At that moment I was still £2,000 in debt and owed my mum money for buying my car, when my old one was too expensive to fix. I knew I needed to knuckle down and come up with some numbers.

I started investigating holiday prices in the first place for trips in Europe and New York, I was trying to work out the best place to go for that time of the year. I worked out that we could get flights and a hotel for various destinations for around £400-£500 each for four to five nights. When I finally landed on the idea of New York, as it'd be quieter and cute if it snowed. I started to research affordable restaurants. I made a Pinterest board of things to do and places to eat that looked different and appealing, and made a document detailing rough prices of meals.

See, I love doing all of this research and budgeting (when I stick to it), my plan was to get out of my overdraft by January, and pay my mum off by February/March. I knew I couldn't overspend on our holiday if I still wanted to get fully out of debt. I had decided that I was not going to go shopping or get souvenirs (as I had already been to New York a few years ago and bought way too much, I did not want to do that again). I worked out when we were going to arrive, and how many meals we would need to buy each day. I had originally scrapped buying breakfast on day one, however we ended up buying it anyway! I put a budget of $10 per breakfast and lunch, and $30 for dinner. That's a total of $250 for just food for the holiday.

Then from my list of fun things to do I worked out what was free and what would cost me more dollars*:

Weekly unlimited subway card $34
Central Park Zoo $19.95
Pedicab Tour $30 each (if pre-booked through Facebook)
Empire State Building $42
Top of the Rock $38
Roosevelt Island Cable Car $3 each way

Total: $169.95

When we were planning what we wanted to do each day and if there were more things to do in that area, I looked into travel passes and saw that Groupon did a good deal. We got a three attraction pass that you can use at anytime during your holiday for £69 each ($83) and it includes so many attractions it's really worth it. This meant that we automatically saved money through this pass rather than exclusively buying tickets for the Empire State Building and Top of the Rock, and we decided we'd pay the 9/11 Museum a visit as well. The one thing I'd recommend with the Groupon pass is make sure you do it before you go on holiday, as I had a delay in receiving my confirmation email as I booked it at the airport when we were about to leave...luckily, I got it later that day and could finish the confirmation. If you can, try and print the voucher as they will scan it at each attraction or exchange it for one of their tickets. Plus, you don't have to commit to what attraction you want to use the passes for, so it gives you flexibility if you change your mind.

We didn't end up doing all of the attractions on my list, so we saved in some areas and spent more on food in others. Each day I would assess my budget and move over my daily amounts to my Monzo card. I highly recommend Monzo, it's an app only bank of which you get a physical card and it's super easy to transfer money. One of my favourite components is that you can round up your spends to put the extra change into a savings pot, it also works out the exchange rate as soon as you've bought something.

I had about £130/$156 left in my spending account, which was great as that was then left as my savings whilst knowing that I was out of debt. I had about a maximum of $500 I could spend, but I wanted to make sure I came back with plenty leftover.

With regards to my addiction to spending and shopping, we did go into malls and the massive Macys and Bloomingdales just to have a look. To be honest there wasn't really anything I wanted or needed, it was just nice to get a feel of the place. I think I had been so strict on my thought process before we went that it stuck with me and I didn't stray. Except, when I got a little bag of pick and mix from M&M World which I allowed as it was only $7.99 and delicious.

This was the first holiday I'd been on where I had done all of this research and worked out budgets, and honestly it was the best thing I could've done. I really regret my previous trips where I would just flash my contactless card and worry about the amount I'd spent later. Having that daily budget was just great to help me keep me on track, and be smart about where we ate and what we did. Obviously, I didn't want to be in a position where I was worried about money whilst away for our anniversary, but that's why it helped to know that I had room in my budget. I had worked hard to make sure that I wouldn't be anxious about money.

I still can't believe that we actually went away on a holiday together, and I managed to scrape any extra pennies and birthday/Christmas money together to make it happen. I've added helpful links throughout this post, and if you have any other questions about budgeting drop me a comment below!

Other New York content will be coming soon...

*all prices were correct at the original publishing date, prices may vary due to inflation or different deals.

How I'm Managing My Money in 2020

Ok, so again I haven't posted much this year. It's not for lack of trying, or lack of ideas. Sometimes it's down to not having photo content yet (I find having at least one image per post is preferable, rather than having just a block of text), or sometimes I get a bit afraid of publishing my own words and my own opinions online for everyone to see, and judge.

You might be a bit bored of me going on and on about being in debt, and always trying to get out and failing. Well, I have some good news for you all. I am finally DEBT FREE. Yep, you heard me. In one of my last posts about my plans for this year, I mentioned that I had really made a difference to my bank account. For the past year I really dug my head in the sand and worked hard to earn the money I needed to pay bills, and made a few plans to pay off my overdraft and pay back my mum (who had kindly bought my car back in November 2018). I always had enough money for my bills, but I must admit I did sometimes struggle to complete my 'get out of debt' schemes. The reason for this (and I talk about my mindset with money when I talk about my addiction in a post late last year) is that I've had to completely retrain my brain when it comes to money. Ever since I earned my first pay packet in 2012 I had been going off the rails, financially. I had my own money to spend on whatever I wanted. This became a bit of a challenge though when I was having to borrow money from friends, my parents and eventually caving in and getting an interest free student overdraft; of which I just saw as more free money. Bad Saffron.

Last year I had decided that I was going to say "no" to more socials, or find the cheapest way to do that because getting out of debt and not having this anxiety everyday about my finances was my dream. A life I hadn't really lived since before I got my first job. On 17th January this year, I woke up to a notification from my bank that a bunch of money was deposited. I was confused. Who would just give me that much money? Turns out, I had forgotten it was payday. It was my pay check. When I clicked on my banking app and saw how many figures where in the pluses, YES PLUSES. I cried. It's hard to say what emotion this was exactly, because I was crying but it was about something good. Something I had achieved on my own. However, I was sad because I'd never felt this way before. In all the other times I had temporarily gotten out of debt, I didn't stick to it and fell right back to rock bottom. Rock bottom being at the end of my £2,000 overdraft, with my £2,300 Macbook to pay off (may have been a stupid idea at the time) and my £2,300 something debt to my mum.

Although I was out of my overdraft, I still had a significant amount to pay back to my mum. I had another plan for this, you see. I had this all worked out in advance since before Christmas. I was a woman with a plan. I earned enough to pay for my bills, and whatever was left over the next two months I paid to my mum to get that debt over and done with. I wanted a debt free 2020, and I was getting it. Only two big lump sums and it was all over. Flash forward to 9th April and I received my first lot of wages where I didn't have to pay off my overdraft, my Macbook or my mum. My money is mine. Even though it's been three or so months of technically being out of my overdraft, it still hasn't sunk in. I was able to put away some spare money after leaving enough for this months bills into my savings account and I can't believe that I'm someone right now, who has a good head start with a savings account. It's something that's been on numerous new years resolutions and goals lists, and has never happened until now. I just want to shout from the rooftops, because this is a big moment for me.

My other half; Connor, I think still doesn't completely believe me when I say I've changed and I'm going to work hard to stay out of debt. I don't blame him. I was lying to myself all of the other times I got out of debt. I guess that's part of being an addict? In the end you don't even know if you're lying to yourself, and believing your own lies. I kept my finances to myself for quite a few years, and would lie about how bad it was. I wanted to fix it myself, but being the spending addict I was it was so much worse bottling it up. The moment that I spoke more to Connor and my parents about my situation, I didn't feel as though I was living two lives anymore, and having to hide my payslips or banking information. A weight was lifted. All of them had at some point offered to help in one way or another, but it got to a point where I really didn't want to borrow any more money. Enough was enough. I'm an adult, I put myself in this mess and I need to learn to get myself out of it. It's been a huge learning curve, and I really hope that this is a new start.

I have started to track and manage my money using this awesome spreadsheet that Rhianna set up (she's got some banging posts all about getting out of debt, saving, and budgeting which I've found super helpful), she goes through each section on the spreadsheet to help you set up. I had already been pulling my hair out when trying to get out of debt, so it's been handy to customise this spreadsheet for my needs. I must admit I haven't been tracking my money that much, I've done a few months using it and it's so good if you stick to writing down your spends and what they were for. I started a section where I've written down all of the occasions this year where I will need to spend money, be it birthdays, hen do's and Christmas. I now have a set budget for how much I need to put aside to financially prepare for all of these events. I have never done this before. I've lived month by month for so long, I don't know why I hadn't thought of it before. I also created a tab where I've put down all of the monthly outgoings so I know for sure how much goes straight out of my account, so I can see what's left to play with each month.

My next plan, is to open a Lifetime ISA to help save up for a house. I think it will really help putting my money into a dedicated account that I can't just transfer in and out of. Plus, if I reach the maximum £4,000 a year (which according to my plan I could hit that target by the end of this year) the government give you an extra £1000 into that account. There's more information in this article by Money Saving Expert, which I've found really helpful. I'm really serious about Connor and I moving out and getting our own place. I've moved around and lived in other people's houses for so long, I just really want a place of our own. Our own four walls with a sturdy roof. I really don't see the benefit of moving out to just rent, (unless I had to move away for work) because it just costs so much and I really don't earn enough to be able to pay rent and save up for a deposit.

In summary; all of my money is now my own, I use a bad ass spreadsheet to monitor my incomings and outgoings with forecasts for each month and the year, and essentially putting as much leftover wages into a savings account. This is how I'm managing my money in 2020. No more unnecessary shops and hauls, and smart spending not blind spending.

Let me know if you have had enough of my little rants about money, I hope it's not too bad now that I'm out on the other side! Also pop me a message if you would like to see any posts in the future updating you all on my progress.

Thank you for reading, this has felt like the longest journey.