In Isolation | Day One

Before I get into this post, I just want to make it clear that the purpose of this piece is to purely write about how I feel. It's not meant to be political, or pointing blame, this is something that is currently happening in my life and I want to be able to express myself. For me, for others who have been in the same shoes, or those who just want to know what it's like.

Taken in The New Forest by Connor Cleary a few weeks before my self-isolation

It's 1am, I just finished my first break at work. I returned to the aisle I was working down, and wanted to play some music to find a new notification from the NHS Covid-19 App. My first thought was that it was just going to change our tier alert to something vague whilst they review our cases. I was actually slapped in the face with this message:

"You need to self-isolate for eight days"

I think I was just in shock at first, on a whim I sent screenshots of the message to my manager and she said I had to leave the store immediately. It's every colleagues dream to get sent home, yet I didn't want to go. I grabbed my things, clocked out and left with the promise that my pay will be covered for the shifts that fall within my isolation time. Colleagues leapt back five metres when I told them I had to self-isolate, they knew it was odd that I was leaving halfway through the shift, and as I said I was in shock. It wasn't until I got home that it really sunk in. I had been somewhere with a person who recently tested positive for Covid-19. I have to self-isolate for eight days, no work, no walks or outdoor exercise. I texted my boyfriend (who I live with) and left a note for his parents to see in the morning, because I felt I had a duty to let them know. I have no idea who this person was, where this exposure was, I am completely in the dark. 

That's when the anxiety and panic set in. My heart pounding, struggling to breathe at a normal rate, my thoughts running at a million miles an hour. Everyone was asleep, I couldn't talk to anyone about this and how I was feeling. I was alone. So many questions running wild in my mind: who was this stranger I'd been in contact with? Do I have it? Is my throat sore? What is happening?

The app literally doesn't give you any information other than when you're free to go back into the wild. I can see all the places I checked into, and I believe the app is active when I'm at work. It doesn't really help narrow it down. Whether it was from work or a restaurant, there's not much else I could've done. I wear masks when I'm supposed to, I sanitise and wash my hands like an obsessed person, but I'm relying on this infected person to have done their best. My fate rests in everyone's hands. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true. We all have to work together to protect one another, to one day become a Covid-19 free country. By refusing to wear a mask for political reasons, because it's uncomfortable or unfashionable, you're putting us all at risk. Covid-19 is our enemy and that's where the fight should be.

To make things clear, I'm not and have never been worried about myself in this scenario. I've been worried about the domino effect, if I catch the virus. I don't want my actions to cause another person ill health, or worse. It's been my ethos this whole time. 

For the next week, I will be following the guidance on self-isolating. I'm quite lucky that most of my upcoming events are online, or any errands I can pass on to someone else. The moment I realised I couldn't leave the house at all, I felt trapped. Since Lockdown 1.0 I have enjoyed going on walks, getting fresh air and getting out of the house. I wasn't planning on seeing my family over Christmas, because I just didn't think it'd be a good idea. Living separately from both of my parents adds more households, and nearly all of us in my household and my parent's households have public facing jobs. If we were able to all self-isolate before Christmas then maybe it might work, but for us that's not possible. With this new potential exposure for me, I definitely will not be seeing anyone outside of my household.

Currently, I don't think I have any symptoms but as a young person I could be asymptomatic, so I want to take precautions. I don't want to scaremonger, I just want to inform you of what it's like as a person with anxiety and mental health issues, how something like this can affect you. Also, what to expect if you are to get a self-isolation notification. 

I will most likely post mini updates on my Instagram page related to how my mental health is coping with this sudden isolation. 

I sincerely hope you are all well, and coping as best as you can in these strange times. My heart truly goes out to all of you struggling with all of the Covid-19 information, if you're shielding, isolating or working on the frontlines. I also hope you're able to have a safe and Merry Christmas. 

Please keep taking precautions as best as you can 🙏 

Visiting Restaurants in a Pandemic When You Have Anxiety

I don't know about you, but this whole pandemic has really been feeding my anxiety. I've had a lot of moments where I have been feeling quite agoraphobic. Which I haven't felt in quite a few years. In the height of my mental health problems I often felt scared to leave the house, and I had to use public transport a lot which would also set off the feeling trapped part of agoraphobia. I have only left the house when necessary; for work or essential errands. Even then I'd wear a mask and take my hand sanitiser everywhere, and would start to get panicky feelings when someone got too close. Most of the shops I have been in were quick in and out jobs. That is until I had to queue in Wilko's and the system wasn't very clear, a few customers nearly got into an argument over it. That feeling of knowing that people were behind me and too close had me on edge. The queue was going down an aisle, and I started to feel nervous if customers wanted to get to the products next to me. It also didn't help that when I was walking round the shop, the staff didn't seem to care if you were there or not. When I'm wearing a mask it makes me really claustrophobic because it can feel like my breathing's restricted, but it's not. I wear one to protect myself and others, and would rather deal with feeling uncomfortable for a few moments than risk catching or spreading Covid-19.

I know that shops and restaurants have to open up so that people can keep jobs and the economy can keep going, but going to them just terrifies me. I've seen the lack of social distancing and lack of common sense from some of the public. We've all spent three to four months mainly confined to our homes with the same people. I found it really jarring when I could meet up with my friends and family members, because it felt kind of weird. At least in shops and socialising there's usually an easy exit. I just feel like in pubs and restaurants it might not be that easy. I don't want to be in a busy environment. I don't want to feel trapped.

As much as I miss "normality" and going out for food and drinks, I'd rather be cautious about returning to that way of life. To me, nothing about this is normal. This is a whole new world for most of us, and it's better to be safe than sorry. I have made myself relax to a certain extent, to test the water and visit a few places and thought I'd write about my experiences here for you.

My first mini trip out was to Whiteley, Fareham where my other half and I had a meeting at Starbucks (we sat outside), and afterwards we were a bit peckish and stopped by Five Guys. We love their burgers and fries, we usually only have this as an every now and then treat, as we don't indulge in a lot of takeaway food. Whiteley have tried to limit the amount of people visiting their shopping centre by closing off some of the car parks. It was really quiet walking around, and they had a pedestrian traffic system, by keeping customers to the left and having barriers in the middle of the walkway. There were only a few small groups of customers in Five Guys and plenty of spread out seating, we decided it would be ok to sit in as it would be quick. We sat in a booth near an open door so it felt nice and open. I didn't feel worried about sitting inside at all, and the staff were really friendly. Usually at Five Guys, you order at the counter and wait for your number to be called further along the counter. This time however, they gave you a number placeholder to take to your table and brought your order to you, whether you were taking away or sitting in to stop people gathering in the same spot.

Our second trip out was for a nice cheeky lunch meal, we walked from Fareham to Portchester to visit the Salt Cafe as I had heard so much about it online. Unfortunately, it was really busy with their outside seating and I felt uncomfortable being so close to other customers. They had also stopped serving lunch when we got there so we looked for somewhere else nearby for some pub grub. The Wicor Mill was only just up the road, and we had never been there before. When we walked in we were greeted by a member of staff and asked if we had booked, we hadn't but that was fine as there were plenty of tables at that time of day. They took our details for the track and trace of Covid-19 and showed us to an outside table, which was more than 2 metres away from the next tables; perfect. You could either order through the app or order at the bar and the staff bring your food and drinks to you. For some reason the app wasn't working for us so we had to order at the bar, but that wasn't an issue as I said before, it was quiet.

It was a much needed little treat out, and so great to have a couple of pints and enjoy the sunshine. We are both so busy at the moment juggling work and a few other projects, so it was nice to take some time out and get out of the house. We both had steak and melted cheese ciabattas and shared a little portion of chips, it was a gorgeous little lunch meal.

Last but not least, my friend and I had been having some coffee dates at CrumbleJack down Fareham high street. Before lockdown this was one of my favourite places to have avocado and egg on toast, I have no idea what they do to it, but it's so damn delicious. At our first coffee meet up we were able to sit outside (you can see a pattern here) and it was really comfortable. Next time we thought we'd have a bite to eat, and we indulged in their masterpiece. They had perspex screens by the tills and brought food and drinks to the table, and had a little hand sanitiser station as you walk in the coffee shop.

Even though I've only been out a handful of times eating and drinking out, I've been fairly happy with those experiences. A lot of my friends have had successful trips to pubs and restaurants and it's good to hear people enjoying themselves again. I'm just not ready to be sat inside a busy pub or restaurant yet, but I'm getting there.

My advice to you if you haven't been out yet, and are feeling apprehensive is to research the places you want to go to first. I find it helpful to read about how the businesses have altered their establishments to make them safe for customers, and if they have photos of these then that's a bonus. If that doesn't make you feel calmer, then why not pop them a message or call them up? Most independent businesses will get back to you really quickly. If that also doesn't work, just be cautious and have a look from outside when you go to visit. You don't have to commit to staying there if you have walked in and gotten a table, you have the choice to leave if you're uncomfortable. If you do book a table and change your mind before going, please contact the business to let them know so then they can give the table to someone else. I've seen a few posts going around social media where restaurants have lost out on money because people didn't cancel their booking.

Have you been out to any pubs and restaurants yet? Pop me a message in the comments, I'd love to hear about your experiences!

I am a Key Worker

This year has been absolutely crazy. I started off the year by paying off my overdraft (finally), and celebrating ten years together with my boyfriend. Just before we went away to New York, China had been broadcasting that a potentially lethal virus originated in Wuhan. We didn't know very much about this virus at the time, and there were no cases in either the UK or America, and airline companies only had warnings for people who had recently travelled to Asia or Wuhan directly. I was taking this seriously in January, and I'm taking it seriously now. I equipped myself with hand sanitiser everywhere I went, especially in public places.

I did not imagine that life would come to this. For over a month we've been in lockdown. I've lived through Bird Flu and Swine Flu, my mum even reckons that I may have caught a mild strand of swine flu. Back then, we were all still working and going to school, so the fact that on Monday 23rd March, a national lockdown was put in place was scary. I saw this coming, but seeing it at the same time as everyone else in the country; I had goosebumps.

Prior to this, when everyone was gossiping and spreading rumours because they know someone who knows someone, and "the military are getting involved" I knew that I was still going to have to work in a global pandemic. The past year has been tough for me, I've been working in the hospitality and retail sectors to pay my bills whilst I still try and work my way into my dream career. I never would've imagined that whilst people are self isolating and social distancing, that I was still stacking shelves in a supermarket where numerous members of the public come in each day. Of course I knew that during a lockdown a supermarket was going to be open in one way or another, people need food to eat. It was just really odd to be called a "key worker" and have a letter giving permission to leave the house in case I'm stopped by police.

I feel lucky (in a sense), that I am still able to go to work and earn my regular income. All of my previous jobs, retail or otherwise have ceased to let people work. I would've been out of work and essentially screwed if I was still in my last job, a zero hour seasonal role. I'm not someone who has existing conditions so I'm still healthy enough to work, let's ignore the fact that my immune system is shocking at the best of times. I've got a lot of friends around me who have begun to work from home, have been furloughed, and I know a lot of people who are completely out of work and who will be hoping to get that government grant in June. It's a strange time, to see that when the chips fall down which people still need to go to work to keep society moving.

I don't feel like a key worker. Yes, I turn up to work knowing the risks. I use my sleeves or feet to open doors, and sanitise and wash my hands regularly and before eating. We have social distancing measures in place, and have altered the times that customers enter the store. I work night shifts between 9pm - 7am, so I don't really see customers anymore which takes out part of the risk. However, it is a HUGE place to work. You have no idea who's touched something before you, if they are being as cautious as you.

Yet, I constantly know how much worse other people have it. Walking into a building where you know patients or people have Covid-19 symptoms, or confirmed cases. I have had friends and even strangers outside of my work thanking me, for what? I appreciate the sentiment but I'm just doing my job, which I'm grateful for. I imagine there are some people that work in the care sector and hospitals that feel the same, they signed up to a job they wanted to do - albeit take out the pandemic we're having and most of them probably enjoy it to some extent, or just want to do good and look after people.

I have had to watch as customers panic bought "essential" items, and changed their buying behaviours just because everyone else was buying those products. The sign says they can have five; so they will take five. It has been jarring to have been on the "front line" to that extent. Our company joining together with other supermarkets to Feed the Nation. Quite often I would feel anger towards customers for being selfish and acting like a herd of sheep. I had recently been making donations to my local food bank, and the minute the panic buying started I feared for what stock would be left for those less fortunate. When I had finished my ten hour night shift I'd make a list of the items I wanted to get for the food bank, and I even went home on a Sunday morning and came back at 9.30am to be able to get some toilet roll and hand wash. I could feel people look at me when I had five of each item, but I didn't care. I was doing this for others. I didn't care about myself, I wanted to help the community, and I wanted others to see that and do the same. I would walk around the store and each day the panic buying got worse, it would move around the aisles. As if customers couldn't get one thing, they would panic buy whatever else was available. It's taken a while for the store to keep up with the demand of customers buying multiples of EVERYTHING. People just didn't understand that they couldn't buy in lots of one product as they were trying to replenish everything, and customers would buy it all within seconds as soon as the store opened. Every time I saw more empty shelves, my heart sank for the vulnerable, the elderly and the less fortunate.

Luckily, the supply levels are doing much better now. I guess people realised they spent too much money, didn't have any more space in their house and that there was no reason to panic buy in the first place. Things aren't perfect, but an improvement. There's more online shopping available, and you would have seen the priority shopping times for NHS/Care Workers and elderly customers on the news. It's still an odd sight to see these customers start queuing at 7am when they can't enter the store until 7.30am/8am. Even though my local food bank had to shut due to lack of staff available to work, and they couldn't keep everyone safe. Acts of Kindness have been able to take donations from multiple drop off sites, and you can arrange collections. Through this, I have joined a few Facebook groups for my community for food banks and the homeless. If there's anything I can do to help, I will do it.

Through this crazy and horrible experience, I have learned what truly matters. I generally try to be a kind and thoughtful person, but I have made more of an effort. I reached out to friends, family and nearby neighbours. If they needed something I would get it for them, I had the opportunity to get things as soon as they came into the store (I just want to make it clear, I'm not taking advantage of my position, I would only buy the bare minimum so there'd be plenty left for other customers). As I had everything I needed, I wanted to make sure others could have what they needed. I check in on those closest to me, as some are self isolating I want to check how they are doing. It's a hard time for a lot of us, and I wanted to let people know if they need to talk to someone; I'm always here. It's important to talk to one another and message your friends and family, but considering it can be hard holed up and away from friends and family, we need to give people space to process and reply when they feel like it.

We lived in such a fast paced, instant and prejudiced society. Now that we've all had to slow down, we can really assess our behaviours. Everyone moves at a different pace, if you want to do home DIY projects then do it. If you want to binge watch TV and films, then do it. Do what makes you happy, and what makes you feel better mentally. We don't know how much longer lockdown has to go on for, but also how long certain restrictions and social distancing will go on for. I know people are getting impatient and frustrated, but for most people all you have to do is sit at home and protect others lives. We're all missing our old lives and our families, I don't know when I'll be able to see my mum and step mum and hug them again, as they both work in the NHS. Even though I still leave the house to work around four nights a week, I'm starting to go a bit Lockdown Loco.

I thought that this was an important topic to post on my blog, as I have been very private about my work life for the past year. I use this blog to talk about and document parts of my life, and well it would be a missed opportunity to not write about these crazy times. I also wanted to be honest with my readers about what I'm going through, but also to think about what other's are having to go through.

Please be patient, be kind and most importantly stay home.